its not just a fleeting feeling but it took me years to come up with reasons I had hidden in the back of my mind as to why everytime I went to see my cousins I felt a sense of dread, fear, deep anxiety, self worthlessness and panic. it took 26 years to enlighten myself that it was all due to child s***** abuse and belittlement and overwhelming fear. always the case would be a shaking and dizzy fainting feelings, dread for weeks before the event. no one would listen to me and they still don’t listen. I spent 26 years feelings weird, strange, unsure of what I was going through. it took 30 years to be told “you have a thing called panic attacks” it might have helped to be told that and got help earlier rather then for the sadistic pleasures of some voyeuristic freak to get off on watching my whole personality deconstruct. that is my first hand experiences of Nazi style therapy from a mentally ill therapist among many who would not listen to me.

so then locked in my body was a fear physical trying to come out. and I did my best to avoid bugsy as much as possible. I still hate my cousins house because of what he did. I hate the 1970s and can’t remember one happy f****** day in 1970s and 1980s because bugsy never treated me nicely anyway. I was never hugged or held, never once nice to me or caring for all the abuse I was going through, by most of my relatives. they used to hit me or molest me or physically threaten me.

sounds like to me that its the s*** head who got what he wanted. the belittling and mental taunting was the worst by everyone.

then people try to imply that the word ‘virgin’ was over used, based solely on a female capacity to o***** that can’t imply loss of virginity. and that is the same with using tampons.

I still don’t like those people who did all this abuse to me. and someone is going to pay. mary did the same thing to my mother as well that my sister did to me. mary never liked me- like everyone else never liked me – all the vile looks gave it away. then people wonder why I do it back to others now. well I will cuz I can.