I’ve been dating this girl for over a year, I’ve had doubts about our future together so I decided to end it. in the last couple of weeks before breaking up I had been a complete douche and even dated someone else behind her back a couple of times, I confessed the situation to a couple of close friends because I felt like I wasn’t doing the right thing obviously yet i still did it.
after breaking up, whether it was true or not, I felt like I did enough thinking and realized I do love her and we should be together, we talked it out and eventually became a couple again.
Three weeks later I’m flying for a big trip abroad, all alone.
I’m having a crisis there and can’t handle it alone, I speak to her in the evenings and tell her its hard for me, I cry a bit every time I speak to her. one morning I wake up and find out she sent me a text saying “cheating and lying is not for me” and attached are dozens of pictures she took of texts i had on my phone confessing I cheated on her.
I had a total breakdown and shortened my trip, she never replied to any of my messages and her mother messaged to stay away and let her go. apparently she went through my phone the night before I left, which is so weird for me because she seemed so loving and i didn’t want to let her go when we said our last goodbye, I never thought it would be our last one.

it’s been almost four weeks now and I’m a complete mess, I stopped working out, I cry so much and feel like life’s ruined for me. I’m not justifying my actions but I feel so terrible, I know why I did what I did but that’s not the point. I feel so messed up and the days barely go by. I wish I could turn back time and avoid this by just deleting everything, I keep getting flashbacks of us and conversations we had, texts, and that awful day she sent me what she found out.

I believe what everybody says and that it will get better with time and that i’ll meet someone else but right now it doesn’t seem possible
a part of me still wants her so bad and just doesn’t let me realize it’s over and that it could never come true again.
I’m just broken and don’t know what’s next for me.