• 6 years ago
  • 277 Views

I just got off the plane in Tokyo, im not sure if they felt it (my family & friends) or maybe my mom did, but unless they shell out the money to travel here the airport is probably the last time they will ever see me. You see, I’m not normal, I feel like complete s*** over the reality that I could be so selfish and s***** however, everyone in this world has their paradise, a place in this world where they want to be as if it’s your own parallel universe. Rewind some years ago, I was stationed in Japan while in the military, I did all 20 yrs, I spent over half of my career between Japan and Korea only going to Korea as a means to get back to my home sweet home of Tokyo(I despised the Koreans btw, just saw them as rude, discourteous animals) . Anyway, take one bad assignment and a personnel f*** up beyond my control, I lose my assignment and get sent back to the states after years of living overseas (13.5 to be exact) without even taking leave to the states, ever, it was my WORST nightmare! I never felt so isolated and alone, I couldn’t cope, I was a complete stranger in my own country, with best friends and a long time lover half a world away I became angry and disgruntled, a toxic p************. Not long after, my job performance began to slip but I didn’t give a s***( I did logistics for fighter aircraft and didn’t give a s*** what happened if something got scewed up), all I could obsess about was going back to Japan and leaving “hell”, my nickname for America, it was as if there was something new that disgusted me about the country and the people everyday. A couple years passed at my “new” base and I began to notice That I was passed up on every overseas assignment cycle, I just sat watching my peers faces light up as they received emails congratulating them on their new assignments as I stayed behind and rotted. My job performance lapsed even further as my anger and rage grew uncontrollably, to the point that I was removed from my position by my commander and direct supervisor and given a desk and computer in a poorly lit hardly used hangar, but still, I didn’t give a s***, I just sat back like the p************ that I was and collected a paycheck and benefits I didn’t earn. After a couple more yrs, the light finally came at the end of the tunnel, retirement! I said all of jack s*** to my unit, I out processed and got the f*** out of there , leaving the folded flag and all that memorabilia b******* that is customary for retirements in the trash next to my former desk, I even threw my uniform away in the men’s bathroom trash on my last day at work, whistling happily as I did it, it was all so fast, all I really remember from
this experience was just buying my plane ticket and leaving the country, a huge chunk of my years in the states is nothing but a blank, It’s only been a few weeks since I retired and I can’t even recall anyone I worked with yet I remember the people I left behind in Japan like yesterday. I feel like a p************ for what I did, I wasted a huge chunk of my career being angry yet in the end I could have used that time as an opportunity to be productive, however I was smart enough to get my degree mind you, though it was the same result, no recollection or memory of anyone I went to school with instructors and all. I hope I can recapture the same happiness I had when I first arrived, lord knows I sacrificed what could have been a prosperous career which could have saw me return to Japan in a better position had I took the initiative to get promoted and do my f***** job! I feel like complete s*** for all the people I hurt or let down over my own selfishness. I not only let myself down, but my family, friends, team mates, country and the tax payers as well. Basically, the very people that would look to me in that uniform for answers if need be, but little did they know they were talking to a p************, I feel embarrassed for them that they’d even depend on me in a time of adversity only to be let down or possibly get killed because of me. Anyway fast forward to now, though I had that constant dread, it all turned to whispers then Silence as if none of this ever happened as soon as I walked off the plane as if it was a dream, that’s how I know I’m not normal as I stated earlier, the sheer relief of these first couple hours back stole any care I had about the last several hell years I experienced or the people I hurt or let down. Well atleast I’m still young, in great shape and getting a check for the rest of my life, plus the degree I didn’t pay for. Oh well, I tried to care, the beer at this izakaya down the street from the airport is pretty strong and I’m beginning to forget even more. I just wanted to get this off my chest so atleast all my selfishness and insecurities can be laid bare and remembered forever even though my selfish one track mind will forget. Im just glad my longtime girlfriend will never know the p************ that I was or the embarrassment and discredit I’ve brought upon self and country. People; as a side note, not everyone who joins the military does so for righteous reasons, many of us have demons and use the military’s erratic and fast pace lifestyle to escape ourselves, when I look back it was never about country or service, well self service anyway, I was just looking for a new place to exist and bury my demons. Think twice before you walk up to a random service member and “thank them for their service” chances are if they’re dipshits like me, they don’t care and merely smile so you can get out of their faces. Sorry for the long rant but I had to say what needed to be said. I hope you understand, I’m not well and I know it, been like this for years However atleast, I know my triggers and being in the states is definitely the nuclear red button for my psyche, atleast here I know my mind functions well eve. Under stress or duress, I just don’t know what it is about the states and the people there that drive me into a blinding rage.

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