I met him online.He was a foreigner.i don’t usually send friend request to random strangers. But I saw his comment somewhere and I thought it was interesting! I did a little check on him & sent him a friend request. He accepted my request after a long time. By then I forgot that I sent him a request. However, I started talking to him. He was very friendly from the start. Although I was a random stranger but he was very kind & warm. So I was becoming more & more free & started talking to him on a regular basis. I formed one kind of a bond with him that I thought was merely platonic. He is 10 years older than me. So he always joked about me being a kid & I was hurt by that. Although he never actually looked down upon me for being a person of a totally different culture & being younger but I was very concerned of this. This made me realize I want to feel important to him! And also I was getting more & more involved in him. I couldn’t study properly. If he didn’t talk to me with much interest (although he did but I was second guessing it because of being insecure) it hurt me. I started waiting for his text. I was not a teen anymore and the fact that a person I have never met in real life was becoming so important to me ; it was really upsetting. I didn’t know why was I being so childish. But I shared so much with him ; so did he. Whenever he was around ; I was very happy. I suffer from depression time to time and talking to him kept me out of it. So I started talking to him whenever I was nervous; scared ; angry ; depressed. It made me feel better.

We talked about previous relationships & family issues and due to his past experiences he had some bad trauma about love. And he clearly stated that he was not going to be romantically involved in near future. He also told me that he liked woman his age or more than his age.

He is a volunteer worker & works for unprivileged women & children & it’s his thing to be kind & friendly to people. And I knew it. I knew that he has a general love for me which he has clearly stated. And I’m no different than his other friends. I’m not anyone special. He was very caring ; kind ; sweet to me because he was like that to everyone else. And also there was a huge cultural gap behind us.

Despite knowing all of this I still fell in love with him. I just wanted to be there for him. The fact that he had family abondend issues it broke my heart. I wanted him to have a family and if possible I wanted to change his view about romantic love. But I was very far away. And he had a shield which I had no power to break. No matter how hard I tried ; he kept his shield on despite being so kind to me.

And it was breaking me. Knowing that he doesn’t feel the same way I do. Knowing that he hooks up with random girls. All of those was too much for me to deal with. I started to become more depressed. So I finally confessed to him. I said I need time to work on my feelings about him & I asked him to block me. He didn’t want to block me ; although he agreed on giving me time. But then I blocked him from everywhere. So currently he has disappeared from my sight & I decided to move on.

But it’s breaking me in every way possible. I miss him so much. I worry about him also. I don’t know how he is doing. I don’t know how long I can keep this up. But I need to do this for me. It’s the only option. Another thing that is bugging me is the guilt of leaving him like this. I promised to myself that I will prove him that not everyone leaves people. I want to be there for him still. I want to be with him in thick and thin like a friend that he needed. But I can’t. Was it selfish of me to leave like this ? What should I do ? Can anyone help me ?