i dont even now where to begin or if this is even gunna do anything. but here latly ive been so lost, i dont now what i want to do or want, or if its even worth trying. seems like every time i try to better my self i get knocked back down, or something stops me from doing what i want. its like why should i even try? you now…my dad really wants me to do go to college for what ever. but why should i even care what he thinks when he was never around when i needed his guidence you now. i had to find out everything my self the hard way with out him or my mom to help me…iunno it just feels like i got no one to talk to or to go too for a helping word or some kind of guidence of any kind you now. everyone who i thought were friends, werent. they all turned there back on me after i overdosed. guess thats my fault sence i never listened to them when they told me i should quit my partying ways or atlest slow down but never did.
i used to dream about playing football for the ducks in high school, but ended up quiting my freshman year in highschool cause no one cared, my dad or mom never went to any of my games. my dad always said “im a working man, what the hell you want from me? im too tired and dont feel like siting in the stands on a hard a** bench next to some dumb a** that ill just get pissed of at”. and my mom just never really cared. so i just f it and quit. and to be honest i regret quiting for a few reasons one being cause i love it, and another cause playing football kept me from doing stupid things and geting into trouble. after i quit i just went down hill, im still climbing out of that mess. and at times i still feel like that just smoking a bowl, having a drink or popin a pill will just make things better cause i dont gotta think about anything you now. i hate it. cause i dont wanna be the man my mom tells me i am you now. i had to grow up listening to my mom saying, “all your gunna be is another peace of s*** like david”…i almost feel like thats my fault, sence i was pretty far off in the deep end, smokin pot, popin pills (pill popin is big here where im from) and drinkin.
i felt really good when i just uped and quit everything i was doing. felt like i did something for my self for the first time you now? to show everyone that im not just some punk kid that smokes and pops pills. and ive been or was doin good for the last 4 years ( quit when i was 17 ). but now ive started smoking again, cause i just cant handle it anymore. i just dont now how to let go of the passed. ive tryed confronting them, but all i get is that i got a bad attitude and to emotionall. and they always say “oh your just like your uncle, you just need to pull your head out your a**”, and im to scared to confront my “sister” about the things she did, i dont even consider her my sister or sibling …i hate it, i feel like im all alone, everyone i try to talk to about this says its way to depressing for them to handle or talk about and wants to change subject, hell this girl im pretty friends with, ignores me now, it feels like im doing something wrong or saying something to push them away or get them to ignore me, maybe im just crazy or something. the only thing i now is that life behind me, and i dont want it, i dont want to be like my dad, never being around or a drunk asswhole. but i guess you are what you hate most right? im trying to do good for my self, i just cant handle not having anyone to turn too when i need to talk, or a word of advice. i try not to be or get emotional its just hard not too you now, but at the same time i got my dad in my ear sayin ” oh s*** it up, a real man dosent cry or gets emotional like you are now”. iunno… i think im just rambling so im just goin to stop.