I have been obsessing over my flatmate for a long time. Not even sure what I want from him. I just crave his company.
We were friends initially. He knew I liked him a lot and seemed to be flattered. However, at some point he started to get annoyed with my frequent visits. He told me he didn’t think we would continue to communicate once one of us left the flat. This upset me a lot. Still, I continued to insist seeing him, knocking on his door 2-3 times daily. He started telling me he hates me. He would make me feel like a pest, telling me that I am worthless and a horrible person right away. But I couldn’t make myself stop seeking his attention. At some point I realized that it was causing him stress and that was indeed making me a bad person. I really wanted to make myself stop. However, I was very stressed and started having depressive episodes which had never happened before. I would also have panic attacks and start screaming uncontrollably from very minor triggers. He didn’t seem to be bothered by any of this. I never expected him to be, even though I would fantasize of him coming to rescue me. I knew I should leave him alone, but I had this terrible urge to see him that I couldn’t supress with anything. There was this disturbing episode when I stayed in front of his door for more than half an hour and knocked and talked and refused to leave. So he ended up filing a complaint for harassment to the university.
I haven’t bothered him for about a week now, but I do have a strong urge to do so sometimes. I know that my attempt to talk to him would fall flat and that his attention would not cure my feeling of worthlessness. I do have many better things to do. However, it is so hard to supress those urges to see him and seek his attention.