Long. As soon as my father passes im going to off myself. I have contemplated life without him ever since i was little and found my friend hanging from the rope swing. I have developed several mental illnesses since. all of which have a common trigger of the thought of not being able to talk to him ever… Ever again. Ever. Forever. I am almost 20 now and I cant remember a night i didnt have a panic attack or spend the whole day crying and laying in bed worried about him. I have become obsessed with the thought. I cant do it. I stopped going to school in 10th grade, I lost all my friends, I ran away and became homeless. I gave my whole life up because im waiting for the day Nothing else matters. Ive been suicidal for about 9 years now but i cant stand to think of him in any more pain than what ive already put him through.I cant do that to him. Hes not even sick or anything. Im just…broken.