I don’t really know what to categorize this as other than the fact I’m struggling with my religion. For so long, I’ve questioned it, but recently someone said something to me that made me wonder just what it is I believe. When people ask, I find it’s easiest to answer that I am a Catholic, which is what my family is. For so long, I’ve been told “God is good” and “God loves everyone”, I even used to go to Sunday school, and I used to attend Church whenever I could. I even made my communion. But I watched good people suffer, one of them being my dad. I heard my dad curse his name as he paced back and forth from our apartment every night saying, “Why God? Why me? There are so many other people. Rapists and killers, but you gotta do this to me? F*** you God.” When you’re 18, and have been hearing that since 11, it takes a toll on your beliefs. But then there’s the fact that I’M now cursing that same God. I’ll find myself saying, “Why me, God? Why’d you put me in this position? F*** you God” The problem with that is that sometimes, I’m not even sure if that God is real. I just wish I knew what believed in so I could stop feeling like such a fake whenever I say, “I’m Catholic” even though I haven’t been to Church for anything other than funerals in 9 years and constantly question my beliefs. One day, God is real and loves me. The next, he is real but is out to get me. And on the third day, he doesn’t exist at all.