I’m freakin jealous with my friends who get their life more together than me.
Because of my jealousy, I didn’t go to see my childhood’s best friend last summer just because she is much better than me, and I’m a total mess.
I always feel so stupid and invalid, like I’m just some dumb s*** compared to my friends… It’s not their fault they are smarter and more hard-working than me (of course!) but still I get jealous and annoyed with them easily…
And because I’m a total b*******, I feel I’m gonna let my parents down, and that will break their hearts since they have expectations for me…
But still, I’m not doing anything about this, I just let myself drown in my indulgence. Sometimes my stomach gets really bad because of my overeating.
Yea, I guess I’m just some phony coward who is afraid to show my own stupidity and try to fake being “something”.
I once wished that I would be free from all the ties in this world, no family, no responsibilities, and just be a free wanderer, have a fresh start, just do and not think (or feel) anymore. But then I realized that there s no such thing as living without ties. I am living because I am tied down to all the stuff. The only way is probably death. I once thought of it as the absolute freedom.
Sometimes in my low-key depressed time, I think that the only thing that keeps me linger on this place is when I look around, I see trees and grass and sky and squirrels hop-running and I think “hey, it’s still beautiful even though inside me is so ugly”. But then, there are moments that everything is just hmm bleh, and I have no linger whatsoever. The thought of death is not so heavy at times like that.
Well, but then that thought would fly away, because I know I’m just being silly. Who am I to think that death is “not so heavy”? I’m just a spoiled brat whose life has been a privilege, what do I know about life and death?
I know that I’m the only one who can pull myself up from this spiral mess, but I still wish someone could come and help me.
It’s funny how contradicting I am, since although I need help and desperately want help, I never ask for any help.
Just the more I think about this and type it down, the more of a failure I see myself and yea, I kinda disgust myself ==”
Maybe my my exes are right, I might actually do have a self-hate problem.
But even if I know that, now what? Not like anyone or anything could help fix this… and of course not in anytime soon.