At the age of 15 a man twice my age got me drunk and raped me. I thought it was really cool to be drinking and I liked it a lot. It ended up with me being raped behind a church. The abusive relationship continued and I was hit, strangled, raped and glassed over the next three years. I tried to move away on various occasions but couldn’t support myself with the anxiety and depression I had developed so I was found in the wrong place at the wrong time by him quite a bit in my small town.
The worst memory I have is being drugged and locked in a dirty apartment for three days. Everything was filthy and I felt so sick I could hardly move. I had a bucket next to me for vomit. There was animal feces throughout the place and rotten food, one sink in the room I was left in but it was used to urinate in by my attacker. The windows had sheets over them. The walls had paint peeling off them. I was raped numerous times and had bottles forcefully inserted into my v***** and a***.
I would often bleed from this and be video taped against my will. I snuck a razor into the room at one point and started to cut myself because I was so distraught. It was taken away from me.
I needed help going to the police after I was let go. Nobody would take me. I told my mother each time something happened. She would just put me in the shower and refuse to take me to the police, because she was embarrassed about other people finding out.
I’m still messed up from all of this. I go to counselling occasionally and take medication to keep me from going into deep depression and suicidal states. I tried to take my life by cutting my wrists with a steak knife, I couldn’t feel any pain whatsoever so I just kept cutting deeper until my mother found me and bandaged me up.
I’m 20 years old now and I fear the future because I’m so tired of living this incapable of functioning properly mentally. I don’t know what to do.