12 years
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g******* i just need to put this somewhere, anwyhere. grouphug is gone and i have no where else to put this.
i f****** go to sleep every g******* night hoping i don’t wake up. all that’s going to be waiting for me is aches and pains and not a damn person in the world to care that my body is f****** revolting against me.
after the past five years i don’t even see the point in getting better. things weren’t any different when my body wasn’t completely fucked up. i was alone through all of that g******* s***. one f****** tragedy after another and i had no one but my damn self to keep my sane through all of it. now this. i can barely walk.
everyone in my family thinks i’m f****** faking it too. my dad’s s***** escapades while traveling come to light and everybody’s f****** paranoid, thinking that for some reason i’m making this up to get attention or so i can coast on my parents’ money. of course i am, i only moved back a f****** year before all that s*** happened to get my body back in working order. f****** crazy people. everyone in my family is a f****** delusional, paranoid psycopath. not a goddamn dependable one of us in the bunch.
and none of my friends will return my damn phone calls. guess i can’t blame them. i’m depressing as s***. why would you want to be friends with someone who never has good news?
someone who’s best efforts have never resulted in success. someone who’s ruined their life multiple times trying to “stand for something” and “protect someone.”
why did i even bother? no one’s helping me. no one’s here. no one’s going to take me away from all this s***. even if they did i would f*** it up.
i’ve lost my entire support structure in the most difficult and painful time of my life. i guess i expect too much from people. if only i knew the countless number of hours i spent listening to their problems.
all i want is some g******* sympathy.
all i want is for someone to f****** care about me.
but i’ve been left bloody and broken in the street for dead.
i have awful nightmares almost every night. last week i had a dream that i was hanging from meathooks in a dark room, staples covering the entire right side of my body. i was pulling each one of these staples out, screaming and howling, while everyone i knew walked right past me. no one even looked in my direction.

how the f*** am i supposed to live like this

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