I have no idea what im doing with my life. i have disowned my parents because of my abusive father. Im eighteen years old but i have never been a child, i always had to be mature in order to survive. i feel like im fifty years old. my soul is just so tired. and i met a guy that i fell in love with. i feel like he is the only thing i have left. i have opportunities for my future but i feel too connected to this guy and i dont think i even do want to give a try to have a future.he abuses me but loves me to death at the same time. i feel so anxious about everything. he controlls me but i let him. i always try to do everyhting right and this is not the problem. im fine with him controlling me but im not fine when he gets mad for no f****** reason and starts to hit me. i cry to sleep everynight. i try to not look sad or cry around him because he says that he doesnt want to see me like this, he says it disgusts him. he threatens to leave but after five minutes, when he calms down he starts to apolagize for the stuff that he did he says he is sorry he says he didnt mean for this to happen but i just get so confused of the way he acts. i dont know what to do but i just know that im hurt, deeply inside and trying to look like everything is just fine.