Honestly I have no idea where to begin. Just too many things in my head. I'm glad I can throw up now. All the stuck words, feelings, needs to get out. I'm

9 years

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Honestly I have no idea where to begin. Just too many things in my head. I’m glad I can throw up now. All the stuck words, feelings, needs to get out. I’m tired.

THis is not a confession for someone to read, it’s a space where I need to get it out. I can’t speak to anyone. I guess a psychologist, but unfortunately I don’t have the funds for that now. I feel a bit lighter already. Hope I feel better after this.

Where to begin?

I got married when I was 30. My husband, let’s call him Paul, is 3 years younger than me. He did not have an easy life growing up. His mom had depression most of her life and his father never had money. Had to move around a few times. They eventually got divorced when he was 17.

So when I met Paul, I just started to go back to church. My father died of cancer a few years back, it was horrible. 4 years of hell. So I was mad, sad, confused, depressed, unbelievable dissipointed. So I finally started to calm down and started going back to church. I’ve been a believer since I was 6. I’ve been very close to God since I was young.

Paul just became a Christian, after he tried to commit subside twice, was in a relationship with a guy and his life fell apart after he decided to stop eating. God’s grace is sweet. God heard his mother’s prayers. Up to today, Paul loves God and God is very fond of him. Paul’s a very passionate guy, he speaks his mind. They have a very special relationship.

We knew each other via a church group we both attended. Never really thought much of Paul. He was this younger, artist guy who had a bad life and became a Christian. After a year, we became friends. At that stage I was 28. I was so scared of a relationship. When I was 25 I lived in London, met a guy, fell madly in love and we decided to get married. The one day we were talking rings, where the wedding will be and three days after this conversation he broke up with me. He was not ready. You’ve got to be kidding me!!! It took me 3 years to recover from most of my hurt. I stopped crying by then.
Back to Paul, so you can emagine I was not much into relationships. It was actually wonderful to have a friend and feel nothing romantically. It was safe. Like I mentioned he was younger, very strange in some of his ways. An artist at heart, extremely futuristic, interesting. I could just be, without trying to impress or want to impress.

I was raised by great parents, I always felt safe and cared for. My father was a wonderful man, I could just be myself around him. He was a private person, not many friends. He was the only child, and he decided to have a big family. That is why we’re four kids. His family was his home. He loved us to bits. He was full of jokes, such a fun person to be around.
My mother on the other hand is a hand full. She has so much love for us, but it is strangling me. What other’s think of her is high priority in her life. It is soooo exhausting! All about, does he have a degree, who is his parents etc. I guess in hind site, she was trying to look after us. So you can emagine when I pitched up with Paul, he was not on her list for eligible young guys.

Long story short, Paul and I started to date. We dated for 10 months, got engaged and 11 weeks after that we were married. We were older and it didn’t made sense to wait. And, my mother was in Europe for 6 weeks of the 11 weeks and we could organize everything before she could get back. She loves to tell me what to do. I don’t mind her giving advice, it’s just if you don’t use her advice you will hear it for the rest of your life. Yes, I have mommy issues!

Paul and I lived in a small but beautiful two bedroom apartment with a little garden. Loved it, we got Mink and Bear, our two Pekingnese dogs. Still with us today. I was still teaching at a Primary School. SInce I knew Paul, he has never worked for a company, always a freelancer. I guess, this is were so much tentions lies with me today. He is a free spirit, extremely creative, an artist. And I love him for that. I would have died with a man in a suit. But the up’s and down’s, financially, the last 12 years have been too much for me. I am tired.

I guess I though Paul was all over his homosexuality when we got married, I was under the impression that God healed him and it. (Looking back, not sure if this is possible) Through the years it kept me hours awake, shead many tears and two years ago ripped my heart out of my body.
Luckily for me, Paul does not see himself as homosexual, but as bisexual. As he explained to me, he chose me and the kids, this is what he wants. But he admires men. I guess I still don’t get it. My heart just tightens when I type this. It’s confusing. He did watch p*** a few times, never new how to handle it. Rather that then actually going out and seeing other men.
The interesting thing is that we started a church many years ago for those who does not fit in traditional church. The outcasts, the unbelievers, the seekers. He completed his studies and is a pastor today. He loves Jesus and as I mentioned has a real and honest relationship with God. He is a wonderful man. He cares deeply for the broken, the outcast. He is sincere. So you can emagine, that after all these years I don’t have anyone to talk to. I can’t speak to anyone in our community. I don’t want him to be judged by others, and we are all human. They will judge. I love him to bits, and I don’t want anyone to harm him. He is such a good person.

Two years back, we actually shared our situation with a couple who we started our community with. They new Paul’s past. It was at a tipping point. He became obsessed with a friend of him. He talked about him, spend too much time with him. The friend never thought anything, didn’t see any of what was actually happening in Paul’s heart. The fact that I have rejection issues didn’t make the situation any easier. I struggled to speak my mind. Paul is a very convincing person, well articulated and can make you spin in circles if he wants to. Long story short, the bomb exploded. I could not take it any longer and I fell into pieces. The couple I talked about, tried to help, but eventually it became too much for them I they said they never wanted to see us again. I guess at that stage I realized that our situation is too much to bear for others. So I stopped talking about our situation. I thought I had a save space to talk, but it was too much for them.
Here is a pastor, the one that leads the flock. Bisexual. After all these years a miracle from God will not take it away. We’ve tried. Paul tried, I’ve tried. Paul has to go through this valley of death to get to the other side. This is not going to be a quick fix. God wants Paul’s character to grow. Relationships are not here to make you happy, it’s here to make you holy.

In the meanwhile, we moved 1200 km away from the city where I spent the last 19 years.

I loved living there, I old trees, loved our community, loved the area we lived in. The kids school was wonderful, they were so extremely happy. I miss it so much. I guess, I’m upset with Paul that we had to leave. We had to leave. Our lives were not the same since 2015. Paul’s friendship with his friend fell apart after he told him how he felt. My life fell apart and his friend wanted to know what was going on, toooo much to explain. His friend ended the friendship with a clean cut. Nothing from them again. It was one messy story. Our kids attended the same school and seing them often was just too much for both of us.

Last year December, a pastor contacted Paul for a position in the city we are currently living. At first we said no, we loved the city and people inspite all the hurt we were going through. After the pastor asked a third time, we decided to consider. We flew down, Paul had meetings the whole week, I met a few people, visited some old friends and started to look for an area we could live in and which school the kids can attend.

It happened so fast, during February we came down to meet the community, 2nd of March Paul heard all is final, he has the position and he can start asap. Paul started on the 27th of March. During those few days, our house was rented out to a wonderful couple, we got a new house to rent (which was a miracle in itself) the boxes were packed, kids got place in the school and I drove down with our two kids and dogs. Paul had a 12 days retreat which he had to attend. He only joined us when all was packed out. It was actually great just me and the kids. They are wonderful. Love them to bits. So well balanced and happy.

Just to give some background.
I was a teacher for 9 years, 4 of them in Londen and the rest back home. I got frustrated with the system and politics. Decided to go into the corporate world. Loved it, got a great salary, loved the people. Long story short, I started a business on the side, it was actually my passion which turned into a company. Later on I got so much work from my own company, I decided to quite and do my own thing. It has been 4 years. To work for yourself is not easy!!! Some months are great, others are desert lands. My company is very much linked with economy, I guess like most companies. Some years have been terrible, others fantastic. The last two years have been terrible. And I have not been in a great space.

Since I know Paul, he believed that pastors must not be paid a great amount of money by their community. He believes that you still need to be in the market place (work in the real world) to understand the world. I do agree, it’s terrible to talk to pastors who don’t know there sheep. He has been working for himself since I can remember. So his income has been random.

So the last two years we started building up dept. How I hate it!!!! I am so fed up! I hate it! I am starting to feel grudges towards Paul. Why can’t he just get a full time job and start looking after us. He is really good in what he does, but if it does not work this year. He needs to get a job where we can get a set income in each month.
I’ve started teaching again after 10 years and still continue working in my company. I’m so tired!!!

I’m tired of keeping quiet, of feeling for others, for being there for others, for being stepped on. I need to look after myself. It is really hard if everyone is needy of you. Paul is a great guy, but his emotional ups and down are too much for me at this stage. He is too much for me to handle at this stage. I need a break. I need a break from him.

New Confession

At 16 I was working in a doctor’s office answering calls and greeting patients at the front desk. One day a co-worker said he’d take over for me because the doctor wanted to see me. I went into the room where Dr. Beth was at. I was pleasantly surprised to see a young boy strapped down in restraints with his pe nis and tes ticles fully exposed. The doctor smiled and said well Donna you said you wanted to see a ‘snip and clip’ so here’s your first one. I thanked her for the amazing opportunity. It was a wonderful birthday gift. She showed me how to wrap the boy’s legs to keep them warm and prevent muscle spasms. Then we put a sequential compression device (SCD) on his legs to improve blood flow since the doctor said he would be spread open in restraints for a while. The opportunity to watch him being circ umcised was exciting and made my pa nties wet.

She said that although this was only a circ umcision she likes to get a IV line in place just in case it’s needed and she showed me how to put an IV in his arm. She added that we would use a very small amount of Vecuronium in the drip to help relax the boy and keep him manageable and still. I asked if that was a pain medication and she said no it wasn’t and she didn’t use pain medication because many patients had adverse reactions, allergic reactions, reactions from conflicts with other medication they are taking and etc. Also in this case the boy’s mother did not feel that anesthesia was appropriate.

She said she was using the minimum Vecuronium drip, below threshold levels. only as a supplement to the restraints. we started the drip, made sure the boy’s chest was covered and he was warm.

His p e n i s was er ect and she said that was just fine and she gave me a Foley catheter to insert up his er ection. It was my very first catheterization and it went well although he struggled a little, moaned and groaned, so I put a rubber mouth piece in his mouth to silence him. The doctor said the IV drip would soon kick in as it was fast acting. With the drip and the mouthpiece he was no more trouble. She high-fived my success on the catheter insertion. The rubber catheter impaled his wobbling shaft and he was already filling the urine bag.

The doctor suggested I tilt the chair up so the boy could see his for eskin being removed. I tilted the chair up and aligned his vision with his erec tion. He was covered and warm except for his arm with the IV line and his pe nis and balls which were fully exposed for my view and examination. The doctor told me to prep him and I followed her instruction to examine and wash his pe nis and scr otum with hospital soap and then wipe the area with alcohol. He was wide eyed as I washed his stiff shaft and there was a little groan but that was all.

She pushed the cut-down tray over toward me and said it’s all yours, your very first circ umcision. She showed me how to measure the for eskin a nd clamp it and to decide what style I preferred for the finished look. The doctor helped me get started snipping a little strip of for eskin off the shaft. The boy hardly moved but there seemed to be a few trembles in his legs which the doctor said was normal. Occasionally there was a high pitched squeak coming from his mouth which was muffled by the mouth piece.

The doctor instructed me step by step on how to trim each strip of for eskin with the circ umcision scissors and to place the hemostats to control bleeding. My pa nties were soaked and I was breathless as strip by strip his for eskin was taken and his shaft was molded to my design. It was so satisfying. His shaft was sprayed with alcohol to keep it clean. We took a break and had some tea while Dr. Beth explained more about the procedure. The boy laid quietly on the chair with an occasional squeak which was muffled by the mouthpiece.

I went back to work to finish up the job. Dr. Beth highlighted his large fleshy fren ulum and asked if I was going to excise it. She explained that in boys, the fren ulum is a favorite pleasure center for abuse through excessive mas turbation. She said the boy’s mother had brought him in because of his excessive, compulsion to mas turbate to the extreme. He was so addicted to abusing himself that he rubbed himself raw. I said it was a good idea to remove that burden from him by cutting off his fren ulum. She stood by with the cauterizing needle and I excised off his fen ulum and then with the hot cauterizing needle seared shut the area to stop the bleeding. A small whiff of smoke rose from the cauterizing needle. Again there were squeaks from the boy and some leg trembling but he was held secure enough by the restraint straps so that I could do neat work.

The circ umcision pulled his scr otum up his shaft. Dr. Beth said his mother will approve of the ‘ball lift’ which will be more aesthetically pleasing. I practiced my sewing skills with some fine sutures to join the remaining inner and outer skin edges of the skin on his pe nis. The whole area was sprayed down with alcohol and an antiseptic spray to prevent infection.

That was my very first circ umcision. I went on to nursing school and graduated early in an accelerated course with my BSN and then my MSN and APRN. I have been doing circ umcisions and I love the work. It’s a thrill to get up in the morning to get well paid for cutting and trimming the pe nis and helping boys with their behavior problems, health and aesthetic appearance. I love my work and my patients all love me. Donna MSN APRN, circ umcision expert.

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