I am 20 years old. Just wanted to get that out of the way. Here’s my confession:

I got a lot I need to get off my chest. It all started when I was 12. I started to get depressed every night, to the point where it was extreme physical pain. I held it in for years, only telling a few people. I saw many counselors, 2 I didn’t connect with, the other 2 that I did connect with; one retired and the other died in a car crash.

I started smoking marijuana when I was 14. I started because my cousin who was like a brother to me got into a vehicular accident that gave him brain damage. He is now 21 and is still stuck in the mental state of a 15 year old. Then I upgraded to popping pills, eventually started dipping joints in PCP. I did that for a few years til I finally got off. When I was 16, I got sent to the Psych Ward, where i spent 9 days. It was hell in there. I got diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder and Psychosis. I also discovered that I have a s** addiction, which will come in later. I had a horrible trip one night in the Psych Ward off of Ambien that lasted about 90 minutes.

Shortly after I got out, I started cutting. One night, I cut myself 37 times on my left thigh and mixed it with bath water and bathed in it while I cried. Why I did it, I don’t know to this day.

Then I started doing drugs for a while again. I got off them again. Flash forward to age 18, i met my first life. I was crazy about her, she was beautiful and everything. I loved her with a passion. Then she broke up with me and no less than a week later started dating somebody else. It didn’t take them long to start having s**. Just the thought of that killed me on the inside. It stuck with me, broke me. To this day, I still don’t get in relationships due to that and low self-esteem.

I don’t like my face. I don’t like my body, I lost a lot of weight and now I have a lot of flab. I also don’t like to tan because it shows my Vitiligo more. Plus I have Diabetes, scoliosis, asthma and a bunch of other problems. I usually get an annual stay in the hospital.

Then I graduated. A lot of my friends stopped talking to me, even my best of all friends has made me his back-up friend. Then I crashed the car that I loved to death. Still haven’t got a new one.

One week after the crash, My Dad got hit by a semi-truck. now he has brain-damage too. It’s hard to go see him now, since he’s always scared and confused. He already almost died twice. The last time he got sick, the co-workers at my past job were saying that I was making it up, so I quit. I remember when my Uncle came to visit him, the fun Uncle that I loved as a kid. Turns he just visited to try to mooch off of us, and we haven’t seen him since.

I then did 9 months of unemployment. Then I got a new job, where my best friend’s girlfriend started working at too. They broke up, but he still loved her. Her and I started fooling around eventually, never had s**, but did enough to be ashamed. He found out and it hurt him so bad. He’s forgiven me, but I still hate myself for it. Eventually i grew feelings myself for her, feeling sick about it. Now they’re getting back together, and i should be happy, but I want to cry.

How could anyone ever want me anyway? That and the fact that I once stole $2000 from my mother are the reasons I hate myself. So I’ve decided to keep to myself, not to make too close of friends, and never get in relationships, because everything will end eventually. Anymore, I just keep myself alive to not disappoint my family. If they wouldn’t miss me, I’d kill myself right now.