The past few years of my life have been a living hell. I am a 22-year-old woman who struggles daily with depression, a severe anxiety disorder, and several other mental illnesses. Every time I think I’m making some progress, I feel like the universe pushes back with a greater force. I feel like I’m back at square one after making so much progress with my mental and physical health. I can’t stress how painful it is to feel like all of my efforts have been for nothing.

My grandmother passed away March of last year, and my grandpa passed away last month (March of this year). It was hard enough because I loved both of them to pieces, but it was even harder because I can tell what this has done to people in my family. I’m scared that my mother or uncle will try to hurt themselves because of how much pain they’re in. Seeing the tears coming from the last people I’d expect to cry was surreal. Seeing my stubborn, tough grandpa looking so fragile and frail at his wake was too much for me to handle. Ever since his wake and funeral I feel like I’m suffocating.

On top of everything, I live down the street from my grandpa and grandma’s home that they’ve lived in for decades. I moved here a few months ago to be close to them, and now I wish I’d never made that choice. Whenever I drive down the street I have to choke back tears, because it’s a reminder that they’re both gone. There will be no more family reunions, no more Easter egg hunts with the kids and grandkids, no more walking through the front door and seeing grandpa smiling at me from his chair.

I’m just scared, I guess. Now I’m spending so much time worrying about how my family’s holding up and if my grandparents knew how much I cared. For some reason I can’t feel anything except incredible disappointment and hatred towards myself lately. All I think is “Why am I not a better daughter/sister/girlfriend?” “Why do I cry so much?” “Why have I let myself go?” “What’s wrong with me?” “Why can’t I just be normal?”, and it makes me hate myself even more. I’ve started self-harming again, which I haven’t done in years. Not with the intention of killing myself, but as some type of release. I’ve also started binge eating from stress, and immediately forcing myself to throw up afterwards. If I don’t do this I just get so disappointed in myself and cry.

I don’t know what to say anymore. I just needed to put all of this somewhere.