I’ve fallen for my co-worker. He’s older (which is what I’m into, but he’s actually the oldest of all of the men I’ve liked. He is also my mom’s age which used to be my limit… until I met and fell for him) and he’s a divorced dad (also not the first divorced dad I’ve been into, and it doesn’t bother me at all).

When I first met him, I didn’t think much of him. He was just another guy at another job. I move around a lot and prefer and adventurous, nomadic lifestyle. Crushes and relationships tend to be a hindrance to that. Then, he suggested an exchange of his travel pics for some of mine to keep him inspired because he also enjoys traveling. It was at that point we began to build a friendship. That’s all it was, too. Until one day it wasn’t and I realized that I was beginning to have feelings for him.

The more I got to know him the more we just… meshed. We have similar interests and hobbies (we actually know a lot of the same people), he has a dirty mind like mine, and honestly I’ve been incredibly honest while getting to know him with who I am and what I’m into. I genuinely enjoy my time with him and our conversations recharge me on even my most exhausting days.

When I realized that my feelings might not be as platonic as I thought they were, I began to analyze. I went back and forth between “maybe I like him” to “maybe I don’t like him” to “I’m pretty sure I like him” to “no I definitely don’t like him”. I always wanted to be honest with myself about my feelings for someone but I couldn’t be honest when I truly didn’t know.

And then, one day, there was one moment where it hit me. I’ve fallen for him and I didn’t know what I was going to do about it. I wanted to tell him because I don’t like games. But then I had a weekend away and coming back I felt calm and collected again so I was comfortable with where we were at.

I didn’t want to rush anything because I hadn’t figured out what I wanted. I didn’t want to settle down and he has a kid and a house. I wanted to move and live elsewhere and he has been here for over 20 years. He is into travel so it isn’t that I’d be “stuck” being with him… but I’ve gotten used to my single, bachelor(ette) lifestyle of living how I want when I want. Relationships are hard and I haven’t been in one for 7 years (though in that time there was one thing that wasn’t actually anything real but it was definitely something).

So I remind myself this can go slowly. I don’t need (or want) to rush anything. I want to get to know him more and spend more time with him. We are both busy and while one-on-one time is limited, it does happen. I want to continue to open up and also get to know him before pressing anything.

I also think he wouldn’t date coworkers since he won’t connect with them on social media even. I currently work two part-time jobs, the smaller of the two being the one I work with him. There has been some restructuring at my other job and there may be a possibility of more hours (I had the two jobs for flexibility at one point but that situation has changed and one could work). If I can get more hours at the other job, I could quit the job I work at with him. While it would limit when I see him, it would also make us no longer coworkers.

If I continue to spend time with him and think that pursuing something more than friendship is what I want, then I’ll need to tell him how I feel. Not working with him will make that easier in the sense that if it goes wrong it won’t be awkward at work.

I’m not in a rush to rush things… I just… don’t like knowing where he stands. Yeah it would s*** if he didn’t like me, but that’s life. Sometimes you like people who don’t like you and sometimes people you don’t like like you. I just don’t want to lose a good friendship over this.

But I definitely see a very non-platonic relationship with him as a real possibility, despite age and other life circumstances.

The only thing would be how I would not hate myself for being in one place forever. Would short-term travel do it for me? I don’t know. He travels. So we could travel together. If I was with him, would it be okay? Would my anxiousness go away? I don’t know. I honestly can’t say that I believe it would. But then again, I don’t really know what would truly satisfy me so, there is that.

All I know is that I have fallen for his mind, his attitude, his personality, his cute eye creases, and even his curly hair which I was never into before. I look for his flaws and (so far) have found that I could live with them. I don’t pretend like he is perfect because he isn’t. Neither am I. I try to show my flaws as well.

I don’t know where he stands which is what kills me the most. I’m still trying to navigate everything. All I want to do is talk it out (which is why this confession is so darn long), but I’m definitely bothering my closest gal pals too much… so I’ve come here to say all the sappy things I need to say.

He is goofy and kind. He is handy and improvises with what he has. He is messy and disorganized (I’m a little ocd but I really hate dishes). He is a great father and respects his ex wife. He is smart and can hold a great conversation. He has a dirty mind and is into the k**** s*** I’m into (or at least into experimenting with it all). He is respectful and fun. He wasn’t what I thought I wanted but he is what I want. He gives me energy and life. He makes my day bright. He is giving. He is true to himself and that is attractive. I want to hold him and make him feel loved. I want to kiss him all over and do incredibly naughty things with him. I want to be his equal and his lover (or something). I want to spend time with him and get to know everything about him. I want to know his secrets and I want him to know mine.

I can’t call it love, but this isn’t just a crush anymore. It’s something in between. And I want him to be mine.