I feel like damaged goods. I’m 25 but I feel the prime of my life has been cut short. I injured my neck, it spasms when I pull and lift stuff, I get these awful headaches from the bae pf my skull. I’ve seen 3 doctors but never got a satisfactory answer and treatment, just pills and bills I really cant afford. Its been 3 months, not sure hpw it happened. I was lifting weights at the gym and rushing. 2 hours later, I feel a huge lump around my c7. A big red swollen hard lump. The swelling went down, but the vertebrae stick out noticiably.

a few years ago, my right foot was run over by the back tire of a car. I used to speed past people when I walked by. Now everyones passing me. I hung out with friend who I hadnt seen for years (before car injury), and he kept commenting on me moving slow.

My shoulders jacked up, injured it several times years back. I had a bad dislocation while kickboxing and my shoulder started sublaxing /forward dislocating relatively easily. I stopped kickboxing because my shoulder would dislocate / become useless and weak, 2/3 times I sparred.

Bad shoulder, bad foot, now a bad neck.

I’ve thought about suicide alot over the years, I tried when I was younger. But I couldnt. I wanted air so bad, everytime I tried to stop the oxygen, I’d panic and give up. I felt like a coward for not finishing the job, but I’m glad I didnt. In the 10 years since, I got to experience many thrills and joys I’d never experience otherwise.

I have a dream to make music that will live forever. See, music helped me through the suicidal phase of my youth. music gave me an outlet where I could truly speak to people.

Music gave me a chance to be understood the way I never could be in person.

I was awkward, poor social skills, loud, eccentric and very temperamental. I felt the world saw me as ugly and unlovable. music gave me a chance to beautiful. A chance to truly mesmerize, to be genuinely understood.

Music is my salvation, the one thing that helps me muscle through the b******* that seems to keep coming my way.

But now with my body so beat up, I feel miserable.

I feel weak and vulnerable since my neck injury.

I feel like I no longer can reach the gas pedal, like my arms have shrunk so they cant touch the steering wheel.

I cant control my body. If I could, I’d say snap out of it, get back on the clock, there’s work to do.

But I can’t. I’m stuck in an ocean of failure, missed marks and unseen potential.

I talk to my friends, but most of them are busy with work, college, startinf a family. I dont want to burden them with my problems — there’s too many of them, they’re too heavy and I hate being a hindrance.

I really wish I could find a reset button and start this life over, knowing what I know now. But I can’t.

I’m trying to put my music out publicly, for the sale of my legacy. Once my music is out there, I accept death. I truly don’t wanna be here anymore