I want to commit suicide. I’ve been in denial for a long time but I’m finding out that I have a lot of things wrong with me. I’m also in almost 100k student debt and I don’t think anyone will hire me. I’ve been trying for so long but the rejections just keep driving home how pointless it all is.

I’ve always had somewhat of a quick temper but now I am constantly angry. I’ve already destroyed some of my things and I’m afraid to see people because I’m worried I won’t be able to stop myself from hurting them. I’ve cancelled a lot of things lately because of this and am afraid to leave my place because I can’t control my behavior well. It feels like a literal battle. I had to fight myself from slicing my wrist when I saw a knife left on the counter.

I’ve had long suicidal phases in the past but I’d usually be subdued temporarily after looking up suicide methods and becoming too afraid of the pain and possible failure. But now that method doesn’t work and I’ve been doing more and more research into what’s the best way to kill myself. I even find myself practicing stepping off the subway platform when the train approaches.

The only thing still stopping me is that I don’t want to make my parents sad. My half brother was killed so I don’t think my father could handle losing another child. I also know that they’ll just end up having to pay my student debt. That’s one of the main reasons I want to die but I don’t want to burden my family.

Maybe I should call the suicide hotline but I don’t see the point. They’ll just tell me the same b******* everyone else does. I feel like I don’t have the right to feel this way. I’m just some pathetic middle class white girl who still has a roof over her head for now and is able to still eat meals. And that’s another reason I hate myself so much and want to end it. I’m just a waste of space.