Hi. I never had God to guide my way. I have always been an Atheist. I was molested as a child. I was too young to remember, but my mother told me the story as I was about 8 years old, guess it was a bit early. I had always been a tomboy, I used to tell my friends “I was supposed to be born a boy. God made a mistake and put me in a girl’s body”. I grew up being a very s***** kid. B*** used to turn me on, I didn’t know what it was, though. Until one day, I was watching TV and there was this show on, where two women started making out. I remember that scene pretty well, even though I was about 7 years old. At that point, all my “crushes” became really girly boys, and sometimes their girlfriends. I turned twelve, and I didn’t have any friends. I was a loner. I had online friends, though. They were all much older. One of them, she lived on some island, I liked her, a lot. She never knew. I accepted it pretty fast. My stupidity and innocence made me believe that other people would accept it, too. I told my whole class about it. A year before, I had been forced to the school’s psychologist because I am an ex cutter, or as I like to call myself, a survivor. The kids from my class were too young to understand, told their parents about it. That didn’t go so well. It followed me until my last day at school. Every day I had to cope with bullying and harassment. That wasn’t really fun. I met one girl at school that year though, she was classes older. She was gay, we were the only two of those at school. She soon became my best friend, and well.. There are no words to describe our friendship. Unfortunately her family and the school principal assumed we were together, and decided to separate us. Her father broke her arm that day. We kept talking through letters thrown on the floor or lyrics written on the bathroom wall. After a fight, she managed to get me suspended. Apparently kids’ parents were asking the principal to expel me. I was supposedly a bad influence on their kids. I came back a week later, and it took months but we made up. Until she had to leave. I never heard from her again. I had already fallen in love with a 20 year old gorgeous piece of woman. I was her first as she was mine. After a pair of matching tattoos and eighteen months, she decided to let me go for another she had loved all that time. I got over it. It took me a year but I did. I did because I fell in love again. She, too, left me, but this time it was for a close friend of mine I had introduced her to. Ironic how that close friend of mine was the “20 year old gorgeous piece of woman” ‘s best friend. It’s been six months now. Got over it, I guess. Only difference is this time, I won’t be dating anymore. I don’t want to love anymore. I changed schools, made friends. The concept of making friends had always been hard for me though, I still am a loner. We just need people around us to live, don’t we? Some of those friends are amazing. Two in particular. One of them I had known for two years before I changed schools, and the other I recently met. The first one is just gold. She makes me laugh like nobody ever did, and every word she says touches my heart. The second? Wow. She is a handful. A f*** up from life. A little rebel. I care about her, but she drives me crazy sometimes. I have a few friends from outside school, they’re much older. I have been single for six months, and for six months, I have been coming home either drunk, stoned, or both, every night. I did other drugs too. Antidepressants, anti-psychotics, snow… I did it all. No girl has ever been in love with me so far, it’s better that way. I am a f*** up. I am not sober. I am unstable. I cheat sometimes. I shoplift. I can get in trouble any time. Oh yeah, I’ve been shoplifting ever since I was 13. I was in a fucked up environment that made me do it. Every day there would be problems, fights. Knives and guns. Scars, blood. Stitches, comas… That’s what I had to deal with at 12/13. I was beaten by my mother too at some point, but it quickly ended. We are close now.
I have something to ask you. Why are you reading this? Don’t you have anything better to do? My path is drawn before me. Is yours too? You didn’t ruin your life. You still have a lot to live. Don’t make the same mistakes I did. Don’t let them hurt you, or bully you. Never let them tell you you aren’t beautiful. Never let yourself be vulnerable, or weak. Speak out, rise. Don’t make drugs and alcohol your only way out. Be brave. Choose your friends carefully. Listen to your parents and most importantly, smile, it’s a cure.
Thank you for reading my story. Have an amazing life.