I seem to hate when the night comes around now. Today as I was about to leave a friend’s home I kept thinking to myself what could I do to avoid going home (knowing that if I go home I will be sitting in my room letting my thoughts upset and sadden me as always) nothing came to mind of what to do, and what friend wants to hear you
ramble over someone over and over again at 11 at night? With nothing in mind
I went home, and every night I eat something, watch a bit of tv, come sit in my room,
and let these thoughts devour and run in my head upsetting me, and making me realize how alone I am every night and every night I think how I do not seem to be of some importance to an ex lover? As I seemed to have hold them as something of importance in my life why only does it feel I do my part? I’ve stayed up till about 5 or 6 in the morning for about three days straight. I listen to the Antlers every night for days. I seem to pause and listen to the ticking of the clock in my room. Is it odd that I can just feel the expression on my face being dull and lifeless? I do not even need a mirror I can clearly picture my eyes being dull and empty I can clearly picture and feel my lips in a faint frown my face overall feels as if heavy. I dislike being here. I’m so tired of these thoughts, and even it seems the scary images/creatures/ghosts in my head that come to mind when placed or faced in a dark area. It seems the darkness is not enough anymore. It seems nothing is enough anymore. Oh, how I use to enjoy when the moon rises from filth. The image of him on top of me, nudging his forehead against mind seems to play in my head to often now. Recently I cried, I cried so much I feel the sadness is coming those nights when I use to hug myself crying, silently screaming, and saying “why” or “Nicholas” to myself. I feel those nights are coming again.