i am a depresed 20 yer old guy, i hate my self and feel empty inside and i dont know why, im 6′ 1” 225 lbs and am in great shape, i work construction and make a lot of money doing so, im also a full time college student and have made the deans list at both colleges i have attended. i could not ask for a better family they are very loving and caring. but for some reason i just f****** hate my self, i think about suicide on a daily basis, which pisses me off because i know i could never imagine doing something like that to my parents. ill think about it and then ill picture my mom or dad walking in on me hanging on the back of my door or blead out in the bathtub. i cant stand being alone with my thoughts which is why i always keep myself busy with work, school, and the gym. i feel i have to go to school because i am stupid which i know i am not but for some reason i feel that way, but just going to school was boring so i started working and going to school at night, i see my friends who i went to high school with out partying spending ridiculus amounts of their parents hard earned money whial they are half assing in school being more woried about how they are going to get their hands on some alchol than picking a major, and it makes me sick that they can live like that. just expect every thing to be given to them whial they wake up at noon every day just in time to skip class and go day drinking with their frat brothers. as i said earlier i spend a lot of time at the gym and am in great shape, when i was younger i was a little over weight and once i got into high school i started working out a little just for the hell of it, i liked being bigger than all my friends and being able to say i could out lift someone, but once i graduated i got serious about it and now am in great shape, im athletic with a 4 pack, but i am extremly insecure with my body, i can count the number of people who have seen me shirtless in the last two years on one hand, that includes family, its like i always find something wrong like with it like my arms dont fit my chest or my tan lines make me look stupid even though people at work always b******* with me about my body like how i must get so many girls because im in good shape, but i still hate my body and am always seeing things that need to change for me to be comfortable in my own skin like, like once i have abs ill feel mare confident or once i have noticable striadations in my chest ill be happy with myself but its never happens.when people joke about how many girls i must get i play along when in reality i have never even kissed a girl, i have never realy met someone who has interested me a lot of the girls in my generation are fake, they will talk insane amounts of s*** about someone but when they see that person in public instead of ignoring them or just politley wave and pass buy they have to pretend to be best friends. or maby its just the ones i know. i have never been on a real date, but i have been on more double dates than a m*********** my friends are always trying to set me up with their girlfriends friends but they are usual the same as my friends, very lazy lifestyle expecting things to be given to them rather than wanting to go out there and work for them.with that being said i have recently “re-met” one of my sisters old friends. she has been my sisters friend for as long as i can rember, and we never really talked but for some reason over the last couple weeks of summer we started talking, just bullshiting, and making jokes, and to be honest it was the first time i actually liked a girl for more than just her looks, but then she went out of state to school and i let it go. but about 3 weeks into the school year she got sick there was another reason i can not mention and she had to come home. in my opinion we hit it off right away like she never left and she is now fine and i want more but am terrified to ask her out. i can talk to her for hours about nothing and i usualy am nervous around women but she is different, i feel very at ease when i am around her, but when it comes to asking her on a date i am scared shitless. my birthday is comming up and i knew she was going to ask me what i wanted so i had it all planed out that i was going to ask her for a date i thought it would be easy because i always feel so comfortable around her and today i had my chance and i blew it. i got so nervous i could barley talk, i was babbling like an idiot and ended up just leaving the room and was able to play it off as a joke but i think i may have fucked up a special opportunity to ask out a very special girl.
thank you for reading this, i just had to get that off my chest and please give me any advice on any you have to offer