I was told by a friend today to “find my happy” but I don’t think it exists. It isn’t that I don’t believe that there is something or someone out there that could really and truly help to make me happy, it’s simply that I hate myself far to much to ever let myself see it even if it were right in front of my face. I feel that I have no value so how could anyone find value in me? With myself being blinded by hate and self loathing so as to not being able to see joy and happiness in front of me, does it really exist? I can’t see it, hear it, feel it, smell it, taste it (or, rather, won’t allow myself to do so) so as far as I am concerned, it isn’t real. and this is how I go through my life, day by day.

Now, for the really damning part of it: It is my fault.