Gonna put it all out there. Comment with help if you can, it's greatly appreciated. So I am gay, and have only had sex with another girl. While on the

14 years

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Gonna put it all out there. Comment with help if you can, it’s greatly appreciated.
So I am gay, and have only had s** with another girl. While on the other hand, my girlfriend has had s** with five guys (when she was 15 – 17), and also her ex girlfriend. I have accepted it, although the thought of it literally has destroyed me over time. She claims that she did not enjoy it, and it hurt every time. But I don’t know if I can believe that especially since she was drunk two of the times.. that I know of. Her losing her virginity gets to me the most since I view that as a special and intimate thing, and it kills me to know that she has had that, with six other people, besides me. It also kills me that she claims she is gay but she had s** with two of those guys after her first girlfriend, if your gay why the hell would you have straight s**? The fact that she did have a d*** inside of her, seven f****** times bothers me to extremes, I don’t have a f****** d***. I have tried my hardest to control my thoughts and not think about it, because once I do; I become my own worst enemy. It has caused many fights between me and her, and we both believe will eventually destroy us. It has literally driven me crazy, I have become depressed sometimes and even more insecure, defensive, protective, and angry. I am just really hurt by it, even though it all happened before me and I understand that the past is the past, I have one too, everyone does; but I cannot seem to move past this. I have gotten soooo much better over time though, but just recently we have gotten in a very ugly fight about it and I am worried about it for the sake of our relationship. When we are not fighting, our relationship is awesome and I want nothing more than to be with her, and I do not detest her or judge her for her past, I am just really f****** hurt and confused by it. I have mentally destroyed myself, wondering things.. I don’t know, it has just been a really fucked up time. She has tried to help me when I come to her about it, but other times she has told me I’m f****** ridiculous and insane.. ha I don’t want to be told that if these are my true genuine feelings and I am trying my best to get f****** rid of them. I have not open up to or talked to a single person about this besides my girlfriend. I am so tired, mentally, emotionally, and physically from this. I feel as if it has honestly changed me. This feels good finally letting it out in a different and much healthier way than I usually do. I need any advice I can get, please please help

New Confession

Many mornings i sit on my front porch with coffee and a cigarette as a relaxing way to watch the world wake up. This morning i was doing so with the residual taste of the male runner i orally please (usually weekly but sometimes more frequently) still clinging in my throat. An older couple was on ther morning walk today, i see them occasionally. She was the usual casual wave and good morning but he did not even glance my direction. She called him out on it and told him to at least say good morning, and they were on their way again. As they walked away he turned and looked back at me with an uncertain ezpression on hia face I hope she did not give him grief later, because i know why he was acting awkwardly. About six weeks ago he made his first visit to my back yard shed to take his own pleasure in my mouth. It was actually emotional for him because he had not gotten any relief in a very long time. I told him he was welcome any time. But like many older married men he was truly suffering the guilt and shame of taking his pleasure in a man’s mouth and for being unfaithful to his wife. But naturally after getting the incredible pleasure i gave him as i reverently worshipped his hard hungry male flesh…he told me during and after that he had no idea such pleasure existed…his guilt and remorse and shame got to him and after a couole of weeks i assumed he would never return. But sure enough, i eventually saw him on a morning solo walk and he came up to me unable to even speak or ask, and i simply had him follow me to my back yard shed and without speaking i gave him what he needed again. And of course afterwards despite his enjoyment in the moment, he was in tears again and said he could never do this again. But a week later, he was back for more. Then again a few days after that This is where we are at as i saw him on his walk with his wife this morning. I have sincere empathy for his inner crisis, and he kmows if he comes back for more he will get it time and again. I know it sounds arrogant but i know eventually he will come back again and again. Not because i am conceited but because i simply know men and the type of man that seeks what i give them on my knees. He will come back because they all do eventually this is simply how some men get what they need and i enjoy giving it to them for a host of reasons…..from the diary of a closet neighborhood cocksucker

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Open,
damn it,
open!
Prime,
you said the Matrix would light our darkest hour.

Ultra magnus