this is a letter to the woman of my dreams, I probably won’t send it to her, because I’m a coward and it won’t make sense without context but I need to get it out.

I feel sad, because I feel like I’ve lost the love of my life. I’m sad, because despite saying that you wanted me and wanted to be with me you also said you like be young and free… you told me that the ‘more’ I want makes you feel complicated. You said that I should just be happy with what I have, with being friends, with other friends… I realized that you don’t want and need me like I want and need you.
You call me weak, and that hurts. I’m not weak, I’m struggling, and I’m trying to find something. I thought you were it. I’m brave, despite feeling like a coward, I’m fighting, even though you don’t think I am.
You don’t look at me like you used to, you used to look at me like a lover, like an equal. Now you look at me like I’m a pet or a sick thing. You say now all the time, “I don’t say nice things” but you do just not to me, I could use some nice things, my opinion of myself is very low, always has been. When I call you beautiful, brilliant, and stunning you say “I know I am”. I don’t know how to act or what to say anymore and that makes me sad.
Whenever I try to get close to you or I kiss you you say yucky or gross, that bothers me immensely, it makes me feel like I’m gross. You also have said things about my s***** preferences that make me feel like I’m a freak or a weirdo. I’m just advanced, it may be weird but we never judged each other before. I feel like I am now.
You said you don’t know if you miss it, that it’s complicated. Complicated is another way of saying no I don’t miss it, or I’ve replaced you in that section of my life. Or at least that is how it feels.
It’s alright if you’re not interested in me anymore, if you’re more interested in another guy or this new you that you’ve found. I’m glad that you’re happy. But I’m not happy. I feel like you don’t want or really even need me anymore. Like I’m not useful…
This is my fault, I didn’t choose you, you got hurt, and now you’re better. Now I’m reaping what I have sown. You can say that it isn’t my fault but I know it is. I never explained to you why I made this choice, there are two reasons. One is because I didn’t forgive you for getting caught by your family. I felt like I couldn’t trust you. I’m over it now. The other was how things went with Shawn, which I never really got over. Granted I deserved that, it couldn’t have been easy for you then. It still isn’t easy. I should mention also that when I did what I did this summer when I didn’t choose you was easily the hardest thing I have ever done. I’d confess my life of sin to my grandmother easier than that.
I just have to accept that things are different. Things have changed and will never be the way it was. And the only person I have to blame is myself. That’s fine. I accept blame. Whether I tell Rebecca everything or not is still a decision I have to make. She deserves to know what sort of man I am. And whether you’ll be there or not on the other side I’ll have to deal with. I know that you say you will be, I just wonder in what capacity.
I have read way more into the little details and the nuances in language you use and I know it’s meaningless. You’re not saying these things that I feel, nor do you mean then. But language, both spoken and unspoken, is powerful though, and it needs to be used carefully. I just feel like a nuisance and a bother, like you don’t have time for me. Which is probably off base, and like I said, I’m reading way more into everything then I should. It’s the curse of noticing everything.
I still love you, I’m still in love with you. I want you more than I want my own skin, and I want to protect you like I used to. I feel more like a used Kleenex then a wolf these days. I’m sorry things turned out how they did, and I’m angry they turned out the way they did. And I hope this doesn’t upset you. I just need some extra reassuring these days…