I feel like just ending it all. But I also want to live. I am not ready to die yet. But I want to die or rather I wish I could be deleted. Just a painless disappearance.

I have social anxiety and become tired from interacting with people no matter how little. As you can imagine this does not make my work or school life easy. Everywhere I go the general message is you have to communicate, work with others, interact with others, sell yourself, get connected, facebook, twitter, etc. When I hear these things I feel nothing but despair and grief.

I remember before I freaked out and left school there was this meeting of sorts. During it the message I got was “if you are quiet, shy, or introverted STOP or leave this field.” They didn’t say that exactly but thats the message I interpreted.

I dont believe there is a cure for the problem I have. It’s more than just social anxiety. I genuinely from the bottom of my heart want nothing to do with humans. I genuinely like being alone. Chatting through the internet for me does not count. There is no human contact, no voice, no emotion to be read, no face to see, no on the spot discussion. It’s come and go as you please. It’s anonymous. The stress and anxiety is not present.

After years and years of being isolated it is unbearably difficult to even appear as normal. I know I weird people out. I can see it in their face. Or maybe I cant see it. Here is the scary part. Maybe I cant see it in their face. Maybe I think I can and I’ve gotten to a point where I cant even read people anymore. Anymore? Could I ever read people?

I start orientation for work tomorrow. I dread it so badly. I dont know why I’m posting this here. I considered posting it on the social anxiety site I occasionally visit but now I am afraid I’ve been posting so many negative messages that I am driven to post it here instead.

The advice I get..none of it works. It never does. I dont even want a cure. I’m to a point where I actively detest humanity. I dont want to be a part of it anymore. There is no rationalization behind this. I know you humans love your solutions, fixes, reasons.

There is none.

It’s a black festering foul smelling pit of nothingness where you hear flies buzzing loudly. There is no sense. There is no logic. There is no fix. There is no tomorrow. There is nothing. The land has rotted and nothing will ever grow upon it again and in the distance is the voices of suffering and despair singing in harmony like a chorus of angels dying.

What am I talking about? This makes no sense? Exactly. And there is no solution.