There was a boy that I dated for a while. We were friends for a very long time before that. But…some bad stuff happened after the relationship ended, and we haven’t really spoken or been even remotely nice to each other in a year. I’m still around him all the time though. Honestly, I still care very much about him. I’m not so sure I still love him, but I definitely still care. If anything happened to him, I couldn’t live with it. I’m not sure how he feels though. He says he is done with me and that he doesn’t want anything to do with me anymore. He’s held that for a few months. But anytime we’re in the same room, I catch him staring at me. It definitely isn’t me imagining it because sometimes I don’t automatically look away-I hold it to spite him. He also puts himself in situations to be around me, but then he goes out of his way to avoid talking to me or anything.
I know I’m probably just over thinking it. It’s partially because I just miss having him in my life. I don’t miss the relationship, I miss him. I’ve tried to mend it several times, but he won’t hear anything of it. He is the type of person who decides when something is over. Eventually, probably when his current relationship ends, he will decide he doesn’t hate me anymore. I’m the type of person to be angry for five seconds and then immediately apologize for it. So it’s killing me to have someone supposedly hate me, especially him.
The truth about both of us is that we’re both really messed up. I could never hide as well as he could, but both of us had major things wrong with us. The thing was that even when we didn’t particularly adore each other, we were there when something really bad happened to the other one. We both felt like we only understood each other. To everyone else, we were two perfect people. But we knew how broken the other person was. I knew his anxiety was so bad that he couldn’t eat around new people without vomiting, and he knew about my years of struggling with depression.

The basis of this is that I kinda pretend to hate him now because I’m tired of trying so hard to mend things with someone who seems like he doesn’t care about me. I wish I knew for certain though. He won’t talk to me. He just…stares…and is around me a lot…. I miss him. I just wonder sometimes if he misses me too. I doubt it. But I wonder.