I recently got raped by my host father in Sweden.
I feel;
So. F****** Stupid.
I really, really trusted this guy as my host father. I would wake up to fruit and oatmeal, I would go to school, he would give me my Swedish lesson for the day, and I would help him in his flower shoppe (he’s a florist), and we would have something for dinner, and the day would be over.
It was the BEST. THING. EVER.
I could escape my abusive mom, I could explore as much as I wanted, I was FINALLY in Sweden after having to save so much money for the flight!
Now, this guy looked SO TRUSTWORTHY and sounded SO NICE when I got in touch with him over “Hospitality Club”. He was 22, and just out of college; and his wife had died (I was never told why), but sometimes his grams would be in the house. I was allowed to stay for free as long as I cleaned and kept quiet. My mom agreed right away, because she didn’t have to pay anything (I wish she would have been more protective).
And one really dark, winter afternoon/evening-ish, he took me to the pier. He gave me some history, and took me to his parents spring cabin so we could warm up and get something to eat.
He locked the door behind us, and as far as I could see, there were was only one window.
He started cooking, and I took off my jacket. Normal story, right? But I noticed, he locked the single window there was, and pulled the curtains closed on them.
Then, out of nowhere, he gripped my wrist and started pulling off my shirt – and I was SO F****** SCARED. So scared, I didn’t even SCREAM. It was like a silent struggle, I was too shocked to understand what was going on… It was like, I knew I was in danger, but I didn’t know why, and I didn’t know what to do.
Like… How often a day do you think about the possibilities of you getting raped?? Rarely, and if so, it’s on a shady street, right??
Anyway, he never really penetrated me. But he made me do things to him, and he did things to me — and it was like… I never cried or screamed, I was in such shock. I couldn’t breathe, I kept resisting, but there was nothing I could do. No one could hear me, no one knew I was in trouble, but I kept FIGHTING. I KEPT FIGHTING!!!
He starting hitting me, and slapping me, and eventually, after I couldn’t take it anymore, I just gave up.
I gave in, and I feel like a filthy, f****** h***** that you see in cliche movies. You know, the girl that you see, and you think, “wow, what a s***!”.
And I started crying, and by that point, I felt so f****** shameful. Like, I wanted to die.
We ended up staying the night at that cabin, in separate rooms, and the next day was like any other.
He kept making s***** advances on me, and he won every time.
He threatened me and said, if I ever tried to tell anyone or escape, he’d lie and say that I was an unruly exchange student, and that no one would believe me. He said he knew everyone in Gamla Stan – like the police, and all his neighbors.
So, I kept quiet, and he did whatever he wanted, and it was almost like he was treating me like his wife.
I’m starting to think that he was some delusional guy that was trying to make up for the absence of his wife.
And I feel so f****** dumb for placing trust in my host father.
The worst part is, my mom doesn’t even know, and no one ever will, because I would feel way too filthy, and way too embarrassed.
I got back to the US about two weeks ago – and my mom was thinking about sending me back because I misbehaved today.
Oh.
GOD.

IF I HAVE TO PUT UP WITH THIS S***, I THINK I MIGHT JUST DIE!!