this is my first semester of grad school.
i’m here on a $20,000 loan that is steadily accruing debt.
i can’t find a job on campus because the employers only hire undergraduates with work study. i’m running out of my refund money to live on and it’s only a few more weeks until i find myself starving and living on bread to survive.
i’m intellectually behind all of my peers. they’re all married, with full times jobs. very intellectual. sure of themselves. i came from a small program that was not very advanced whatsoever.
the point is i sort of feel like i’d be better off killing myself than dealing with these constant thoughts of depression. i wake up in the morning and think “do i have anything to eat?” i go throughout the day and wonder how i’m going to pass my classes because i don’t have the intellect to succeed. i don’t have confidence in myself and i never had so i don’t even know why i decided to come here.
instead of thinking about all of my undergraduate debt, thinking about where i’m going to get my next meal, or thinking about how stupid i am, i would much rather kill myself and just leave it all behind. i’ve been dealing with depression for years now and grad school is just making it worse.
but i can’t leave. before i even got in to grad school i had no job prospects and my family can’t afford to keep me at home. if i don’t get a masters in my field it’s impossible to get a job and my $100,000 undergraduate degree will be worthless.
do you see why i consider just killing myself instead?