The icing on the cake full of rat poison: Somehow my SAT score changed from a 2058 that it was on the paper I got back over the summer to a 19-something, and I don’t have the paper to prove it. My grades aren’t good enough without the score, school has been impossible enough while being depressed/suicidal for the past 5 years. And no one believes you without some b******* piece of paper as ”proof”.
I’m sick of my classes too. Especially AP Music Theory. I love music and wanted to play the guitar since I was 3 and it took me until I was 11 to get a guitar, and 14 to learn anything substantial about it. Everyone in my class just gets it because they’ve been playing since I was wishing. I wasn’t privileged enough to get whatever I wanted when I wanted it and now I don’t get anything in the class. I don’t see how I can be a music major and not be able to pass any entrance exams for college. I can’t just get it like everyone else.
Then there’s AP Stat, and I’m alone, just like in middle school when I went into a shell to be invisible from all the kids that bullied me. Yet I’m not bullied anymore, and yet I’m still invisible. I’m alone in basically all my classes, in fact. It’s hopeless. You have ”friends” that would surely ditch you if someone else more important came along. Wherever I go, I’m not important. I’m not even sure I comprehend what normal human relationships are like. I really just don’t get it.
I don’t see how I’ll fit myself to college and pass, I’m one of those brats that doesn’t even really want to go. I had better mental health and was more productive to my standards over the summer, where I would repose and then create. When I relax I bet I can make masterpieces. The world isn’t like that anymore. You can’t sit back like Mozart and make a masterpiece. Because of the way this world has become, I got other crap to do. And that’s how it’s ”supposed to” be, right?
But I don’t see how I’ll survive life if I fail college. It’s so f****** hard making enough money without a job. And who am I kidding, I’m not even prepared for a job. All the optimism I say one should have, I don’t even believe at this point that optimism gets you anywhere. Opportunity and other people do. And I have neither sources for success.
Sometimes I wish I lived somewhere else because I would have grown up with different values and a different mindset. Maybe then I wouldn’t want to be a singer, but a lawyer or a doctor. Or maybe then I wouldn’t obsess on what’s what or feel inadequate no matter what. Maybe I’d smile and laugh honestly like everyone else seems to. Maybe I’d be like every other teen and not have intimacy issues. Why am I like this? But here’s the hand I was “dealt with”.
Slice of life: They birth you, and show you all these lovely things, and you want to try them, at least the dazzling ones that you like. And then, ever so slowly, you realize some things aren’t as tangible as they seem. I want to be a singer, but who the f*** knows? How the hell can hope and persistence actually get you what you want in life when life wasn’t fair from the start?
My future is a s***** blur and sometimes I wish for Kendra’s sake I were dead.