I donno where to start….. but i know i need to let it out before i go mad.

After years of torment at the hands of some miserable people ….. i was finally happy. I had so much. I loved my job, my car, my home, and all of it was because of the women i loved. This black haired-blue eyed angel. Sent just for me.
She gave me everything i ever wanted. As far as i was concerned she was the one, my soulmate….. my puzzle piece. I wanted to marry her. I would have died for her.

but…. all that was taken from me. She had personal issues which always led to problems with loyalty. Her family even warned me years before, but i didnt listen. i loved her too much. She was an amazing women. I was this broken , angry shell of a man. i didnt know how to smile or let loose or love. And she kicked down every single barrier i put up, no matter how hard i tried she just kept kicking and kicking, till finally…. i let her in. she put me together. raised me up higher then id ever been….. then after 3 years…….dropped me and watched me break….for another man.

i fell to pieces. Became something im not proud of.
Became nothing. am nothing…
i became so angry, hollow, so depressed, i started to hurt myself because it felt better then the emotional pain, …… i even tried to kill myself…. more then once. and still think about it on the bad days. which are far more frequent then i wish the to be.
Living alone with so fw people in your life antagonizes these feelings.

And now that shes gone completely , i fear i cant love the way i did. Im broken. I dont find joy or happiness in the things that once made me smile. every morning i think of her and how cold my bed is without her next to me. how boring everything is. I no longer love my job….that she got me. no longer love the car i was teaching her to build with me. No longer love my home that i picked for us.
Ive even tried dating, but its cold and empty and i hate it.
It makes me so angry to go through it all again. when i had the next 50 years planned out with a smile on my face.

I dont know what to do anymore. i go to work, i com home, i got to bed,…….rinse repeat. This is my life and i absolutely hate it and myself without her. Im scared this is now me…. that ill never recover, sometimes…..you just dont come back from something…