I feel guilty because I was born early and caused my parents a s*** ton of stress and worry and money. I feel that I don’t deserve to have good grades, a healthy fit body, or a boyfriend. I feel that I don’t deserve friends or money and that I don’t deserve to eat. I am eating and keeping myself healthy, but I don’t work out. My grades are slipping along with my mental health. My dad just tells me to sleep off my depression or work out to help it, but I think it’s deeper than that and I’d never be allowed to go to therapy; he’d just get mad and yell at me about “what do i have to be sad about?”. When he wasn’t here I went to therapy a few times, but the therapist didn’t work for me and my dad came back into my life again so I had to stop seeing her. It’s all I can do not to run away and do something that I know I can never do. I know I can never kill myself, but I feel that I do deserve to die. I have a sad feeling deep in my soul that I will snap someday and leave without realizing what I’m doing. In my heart I don’t want this to happen, but I’m barely holding myself together. I’m hanging on the cliff’s edge by my fingernails, and I am so afraid of when I’m going to finally slip.
