12 years
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Is it possible to love one, yet dream of another? Since school I thought you were very attractive, funny, smart, but you were much older than me and I was awkward. I dated a friend of yours in high school, and we would go to your house and play video games and as a big group go watch films at the theater. You are really into them. The summer Inception came out we saw that movie a thousand times. Since all of our friends, including you, worked there it was always free. I still have the ticket stubs. Anytime I heard you were hanging out or that my boyfriend (now of 5 years) was going to your house I would always tag along. I think I was invisible to you until this summer when you came back home. It was right before you were leaving to move to LA to start your film career. I was at home trying to figure out my life. I always wanted to hang out with you. I wanted you to like me. I don’t know why I had these urges but I have always been attracted to you. I mustered up the courage to ask to hang out, ya know as friends. You invited me over to drink with some people. This was the first time it we planned ourselves to hang out, and not through a friend or whomever we were dating at the time. I was nervous but so excited. We got hammered drunk, and you shared all your cigarettes with me as we stayed up all night talking and laughing. I don’t really remember what we said, but I know I couldn’t stop thinking about it the whole next day at work. We accidentally watched the Dark Knight 2 or 3 times in a row that night. You listened to me and asked me questions. We tried to bring up talk of my boyfriend, to make it seem more platonic. We both felt guilty for having so much fun. I wanted to badly to hug you and to ask you so many questions about your interests and life. The next night we hung out again except you got me so drunk I blacked out and you had to take me home. At the bar that night I tried to stay away from you and talk to other people we were with to again make it seem more platonic. I didn’t want to send you to strong of a signal. I was unsure you actually wanted me around, or if you were just being friendly. I think you tried to equally avoid me. I remember 2 specific moments of that night though. First was when I first got to your house and you told me the night before you hadn’t laughed that much in so long. I thought that was strange. I laugh that much all the time. I assumed you would have too, because you are probably the funniest person I know. The second was when we were standing up for you to take me home, I leaned on you because I couldn’t keep my balance and for a moment I forgot to keep it just friendly and I think we hugged and it felt nice, perfect almost. The next day I was devastated I had gotten so drunk and that our time was over. I was going back to the city soon to living with my boyfriend again and you were moving cross country. You had text me and confessed feelings for me, and I agreed mine were the same. We both kept our conversations reserved though. I didn’t want to move forward in your direction as it wouldn’t make much sense in this time. Our timing is so off. You always have a new girl every few months. You have a new one now. I felt like the weekend in which we had our moment I was just another girl you wanted on your list. We continued to talk but we kept it small, until I went back to Chicago and told you we had to stop. I still am not sure if you actually liked me or if you were just playing a game. You asked me to come back home, we would drunk text now and again, but I tried to blow it off or I would never remember what was said as I always deleted the texts as they came.

I had so much fun around you. I had never questioned leaving my boyfriend now, one of your good friends, until we hung out. I knew it was trouble from the start. I am proud of myself for not getting too carried away. If I could talk to you again I would tell you that I wish we had good timing. We talked of meeting again some day, in good time once you are a famous filmmaker and I a famous artist. I don’t know how much truth you have behind your words, but your words and your laughs made me feel important and smart and funny and happy. I wish desperately you would text me one day again, or message me on Facebook, or I would run into on the street. I dream I become a famous artist and they ship me to LA to do a show and I run into you at a bar or a restaurant and we carry on like we did in days past. I dream of your laugh and your stories and for you to say my name. I wonder what you see in your new girlfriend. Is she just biding your time? Are you waiting for me like im waiting for you? When I think of you do you think of me too?

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I spent a lot of quality time over coffee with my MIL. We talked about anything under the sun for hours. Usually when my wife went out shopping or for lunch with her 2 sisters. One day she seemed abnormally quiet and when i asked what was on her mind she said that she was worried i would leave her daughter because she had heard from the other 2 that my wife had shut down s** in our marriage. She said that she knew i loved my wife but that it was clouding my judgement to accept a marriage witbout s**. I got pretty down about hearing the quiet part out loud at all even worse from my MIL who i had great trust in and respect for. She said that while she knew she should think of her daughter first she worried because she knew that i turned a blind eye to the topic and that she was also aware from the other two that my wife was making snide remarks about me m***********. She said she knew me well enough to know that i would never seek an affair but feared that that made me too vulnerable. As the conversation unfolded i admitted that i had considered paying for s** and she implored me to not do that because of risk of disease. Sad as it was i told her that my biggest reason for avoiding it was that all i would want from an e***** would be to be held and talked to while i masturbated but even then it would feel pathetic and lonely and i would not get the fulfillment of knowing i had given pleasure to someone else. She said she understood and we conversationally moved on to other topics.

Weeks went by and it did not come up again but we were rarely alone. But i should have expected she would bring it up again when the moment and privacy allowed. It was more embarassing for me because she said that one of my sisters in law told her that my wife had been making comments that i was being moody and quiet and that i should probably go to a h***** or j******* or something. I was actually angry about the fact that it was being talked about between the women and my MIL said that she got that but what i should be angry about was that my wife showed such disrespect and disregard to shame me to others especially her family. I had to admit she was right and she told me that both her other daughters had agreed to stop listening when my wife made such comments and to tell her to knock it off. I told her i felt really embarassed because this also meant that my SILs’ husbands doubtless knew my situation and all the comments as well. More weeks went by. The sisters go out shopping and my MIL and i are at her table again talking around the topic and she said the issue was not going to go away. I told her i got that but that there was no changing the situation. She left to go to the bathroom and when she came back as we talked about other things she eventually called me out on having been looking at her cleavage in the neck of her robe. I was so ashamed and tried to apologize but she actually laughed and told me to shut up because she had deliberately been showing her cleavage because she felt i deserved to get a peek at a woman occasionally. Then she did not say another word just looked at me and of course i could not stop looking now. It was not like she had huge breasts but the neck of the robe was open very low. I could not speak at all. She reached to the neck of her robe and pulled it more open and lower. All i could do was keep looking despite how awful i felt about what i was doing. She shrugged the robe off her shoulders revealing her breasts down almost to the n****** and by now i was so nervous and paralyzed sitting there trembling. She smiled at my facinated staring and thanked me fo4 the compliment. We sat there for what seemed forever until she spoke my name to get my attention, and just smiled and nodded at me and told me to not deny myself. Feeling so helpless and pathetic did not stop me from reaching under the table as i sat across from her and opening my pants to touch myself under the table. I was lost, slowly stroking myself as i stared at her breasts and sometimes able to look her in the eye. She told me to take my time and enjoy the view and what i was doing. She could tell when i was getting close, telling me to relax, to let it happen, and when she untied her robe and allowed it to fall off her shoulders and breasts completely i lost it and grabbed the edge of the table so tightly as my other hand milked my pleasure out of me. It was so emotional when she placed her hand on mine on the table edge as i moaned and emptied my desperate lust. When my contractions ended she continued to hold her hand on mine as i caught my breath. All i could do was look at her as she smiled, letting me keep looking as she sat there casually bare breasted and smoking a cigarette, eventually even lighting one for me then going to get me a washcloth then sat back across from me as i sheepishly cleaned myself and closed my pants and my face burned as she giggled as i cleaned my puddle off the floor under the table. She just watched as i rinsed the washcloth nervously and sat back down unable to even look at her. She reached over and stroked my cheek and told me to stop overthinking it. Then she asked me to not talk and to just listen. She told me to not read too much into this, but that it was something that yes felt like a betrayal of her daughter but that it was actually one of my SILs that had the idea and the other one convinced her it was a solution to the problem. I wanted to crawl into a hole and die but she made me promise to try to not be embarassed or ashamed and that the three of them (MIL and both SILs) were on my side so to speak. Otherwise there was no need to overtalk or overthink it whatsoever. Over the next months it happened regularly, my SILs simply told me the next time i saw them that they would never treat me badly but that i needed to be braced for the occasional discreet teasing about it in subtle private ways. The first few repeats were only at my MIL’s initiation, she would simply look at me across the table and smile at me and i would pleasure myself as she slowly bared her breasts. She was never impatient nor made me feel like it was a chore. She slowly began to ramp things up over time. I was so turned on by how she would sit there holding my eyes with hers smoking as i stroked myself. I felt like i would pass out the first time she told me to give it to her, to c u m for her. I obeyed as if hypnotized when she told me to stand up and let her watch. She always made it exciting every time. She started to seductively stroke her breasts as i did so. She started sitting close and eventually put my free hand in her breast. Eventually made a new rule that i be naked when i did it for her telling me i owed her the view. I barely kept my balance the first time she had me stand directly in front of her and held her breasts up and told me to milk myself onto them, even casually having a cigarette aftet as she had me clean her breasts with a washcloth. She eventually had me lay on the sofa as she sat across the room and watched me spend hours pleasuring my body for her. Eventually let me lay my head in her lap suckling and nuzzlimg her breasts as i stroked myself. I realized how emotionally addicted to her i was the day i sat at her table after her daughters left and after they left she walked into her own kitchen completely bare and had me follow her to the bathroom so i could touch myself while watching her shower. Even eventually as she lay covered in a bubble bath as i stood looking down at her and as i got close she lifted her torso to let me empty myself onto her wet breasts then had me watch as under the bubbles she pleasured herself while keeping my eyes locked to her eyes. I cherish the day she waited until they left so she could come into her own living room bare and kneel and watch me as i stroked myself for her to watch, then when she knew i was close, stood and took my hand and led me to her bed. She laid back with open thighs and reached up to me and pulled me close, her arms around my shoulders and her legs lockiing around me as i gasped when i entered her as she said it was ok, to just let it happen, we could take our time the next time.

I deeply value the time that both my sisters in law told me how much they cherished me bringing love and passion to their widowed mother’s life. How she had simply wanted to let me feel like a man again but how it had let her feel what a woman longed for again, a true lover for herself as much as her being my lover. After my MIL passed away those two sisters in law and i grieved together. One of them had divorced, and after several weeks tbey both sat me down and told me that she (the divorced one) wanted to fill their mother’s role in my life and i vowed to them both that i would do everything i could possibly do to bring her the joy that i had had with their mother. I am in my 60s now as they are and somehow it is even more fulfilling as time passes and my SIL and i are lovers just as equally as their mother and i were.