Why did the birthday boy wrap himself in paper? He wanted to live in the present.

What do you call someone who doesn’t like carbs? Lack-Toast Intolerant.

Why did the can crusher quit his job? Because it was soda pressing.

What do you call a lazy kangaroo? A pouch potato.

What did the grape do when it got stepped on? It let out a little wine.

What do you call a musician with problems? A trebled man.

I stayed up all night and tried to figure out where the sun was. Then it dawned on me.

I like elephants. Everything else is irrelephant

What is Forrest Gump’s email password? 1forrest1.

Why did the bullet end up losing his job? He got fired.

That “thing” that crawled into you is causing your hate to drip. Something is very wrong in you . you need to deal with your demons . quit giving them power to hurt you. I feel sorry for you.

Or he might be fat. Not that it matters. That kind of dripping hate is demonic. It Has no true gender.

You really are sick. Nazi be damned . juicy is better at fighting. Get it through your very little pea brain. You are nothing to anyone.

Why r u sooo full of hate ? R u hungry for more of that dripping hate you are spilling ? If so? Maybe its time to put you on a new diet. One full of love. Because truth is, you are mean. If being skinny means dripping with hate...

Instead of being a b**** , why not help someone that is overweight. Instead of your being the problem, why not try being the solution? Sometimes, a single person can accomplish miracles and begin a revolution of change . the butterfly effect is possible with the right teacher or mentor...

Fatties can’t bend sideways, i think it’s suffice to say they cannot properly warsh right due to this fact alone.

When is a door not a door? When it is ajar

What did the fish say when he swam into a wall? Dam.

Why did Cinderella get kicked off the soccer team? Because she ran away from the ball.

How do trees access the internet? They log in.

if i ever meet jeremiah i’ll f****** blow his bald head in with my fist

What is the tallest building in the entire world? The library, because it has so many stories.

Where do you learn to make banana splits? At sundae school.

What kind of music do planets like? Neptunes.

What runs around a yard without actually moving? A fence.

Where do cows go for entertainment? The mooooo-vies!

Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing.

Where do hamburgers go dancing? They go to the meat-ball

What creature is smarter than a talking parrot? A spelling bee.

Why were the teacher’s eyes crossed? She couldn’t control her pupils.

Meeting you will always be my favorite memory, but you being a memory will always break my heart.

You want me to come back to you?

Went to ikea yesterday for some home renovation inspiration and got to chatting with one of the sales guys from the bedroom furniture area and we really hit it off.
If we’d met in the pub I’d’ve taken him home and smashed him for a whole weekend.
Only...

I wish

Yes yes I am😂

That sounds like a black person statement.

Just put of curiosity, are you black?

You know what’s really good? Taco night.

* Morten replied shyly.

When he found out that Ingrid was better, Morten cried with relief. At the exit from the hospital, he was met by his two sisters-in-law, who said that his wife had sent them to look for him. To everyone’s surprise, the nurse turned to Morten and said, “Your wife is...

But I don’t believe women should be in the kitchen, I would never say that. I also would not never date or get with a woman who could not carry herself as well or better than I can.

I just don’t want a whole bunch of them around me at...