(English is not my main language so if i misspeled something,did grammar mistakes please dont hate me THANKS)

Hello everyone i need to chat with somone who is in simmilar situation like me because i dont know what to do… im gona be short as hell but dont hate me if i write long s***…

my life story is about not being human anymore because last 4 years i dont have emotions(fear,love,happines,sadnes,pain,etc..) if we dont count deprresion as emotion then thats it… i dont feel anything so hear me out…

all started when i was in high school,meeting new friends,etc… all was smooth till i bought pc. I played video games all day 24/7 and i never studied that year… so ofc i lost my first year at high school for nothing… next year i stoped playing games and i started to experiment with drugs… first as everyone i started to smoke,then weed,then coke,etc… (every drug expect cigaret i only tried for 1 time) because i said long time ago till i die i will try everything to do in life i mean to live life to the fullest,,, i had tons of money.., wich means i girls,tried drugs,evreything you can imagine…now when the money is gone i was desperate i was jobles since i was a teen and how to be back? i joined criminals and started doing bad things…first i was selling drugs,then i started to hurt peoples and their familly for money,etc,etc… i basiclly turned into animal… everyone was afraid of me in city even police… i was pure criminal without mercy or anything,if you looked me in eyes your life is “over”

one day when i was walking in city somone shot me from behind in my head… i was on floor and said well thats it i deserved it im peace of s*** im gona die now…what happens next is i wake up in hospital and doctor asks me: are you willing to change your life? i said what you mean, he said : if you keep going like this, you will die! like my son did…i started to think and promised to my self… okey im gona be good guy now no more bad things.EVER.
(the one who shot me is arrested btw)

now after recovery parti leaved hospital and went on lake and sit there to enjoy the sounds of mother earth…then this happens…DEJA WU!

I had a dream when i was a child that i sit near lake and all of sudden 4 man aproach me and say : HEY! we are going to suicide now please leave this place as fast is possible… guess what? the same scene happend now everything was like 15 years ago when i had that dream,same place,same voice,same peoples,etc…but this time i didnt leaved i stayed and said: if you try to suicide just think about peoples who care about you how much they will suffer,we started to talk and somehow i conviced them not to suicide…

Days passed and i start to feel deppresed for no reason…
when i hangout with friends,girlfriend,familly,etc.. i never laughed,showed any emotion ,reacted to nothing, it was like i was a grass…they all noticed something is wrong and asked me is there any problem? i said what what no ofc im fine just a bad day…
after a while i was walking alone in woods and i lost consience, i waked up in some house
and there is where the nightmare beggins. my legs and arms were tied so i cant escape…after a while the DOC who previously told me to change my life is here again,but this time as SATAN. First thing he told me was : do you know why are you here, i told him : is it because on of those peoples in the past i made suffer is somone of yours, he said : no, its because im here to make you belive!, i said : in what??? and boom he stab me in stomach with knife…as fear,pain and adrenaline rushed thru my body i somehow managed to escape the bad and i started to fight him without weapon while he cuted me several times over body…everyone im sorry for saying this please dont judge me but i had to kill him otherwise i would be dead. when i escaped the house i tried to find a way to home then again i lose
conscience,again i wake up in hospital with police near doctors…to be short i conviced police i mean they had evidence that i had to do this otherwise he would kill me so i was not in prison…after all that shock and all that experince,all that bad things i did in the past, deppresion was bigger and only way out was it to suicide.After a while i broke up with my gf because i couldnt hanndle my deprresion,i did it on purpose and didnt wanted to see her suffer everyday because im an animal,loser,etc… i loved her so much and i did that for her best…thing is another let down… she suicided after a while because of me.this is where my jurney ended,after so much suffering,pain,she killed me more… i didnt leaved my room for 3 months i lost like 68 lbs…they say time heals everything,in my case everyday was worse… after i leaved my room,no emotions,nothing! want proof? 2 years after my mom dies from cancer,i loved her like every son, i didnt cried, i didnt feel pain,sadnes,etc… For some sick reason it was like normal to me,i couldnt belive what it going on with my mind how can i be so f****** cold?lets forget that now, my sister got married, i wasnt happy, she got a beautifull son i didnt give a s***…SEE? i dont feel anything and i didnt know what to do life is so meaningless to live without emotions trust me! i deciced to suicide soon after and one guy stoped me from doing it… he said same as i did to those peoples, but i responded i dont give a s*** will they suffer or feel pain, but at the end i didnt commit suicide because i hoped this is temporary and better day will come…years had passed nothing changed then all off sudden i received message on facebook from my old friend from school,we started to chat and she admited me im handsome and she fell in love with me…as you know i didnt give a s*** again and i rejected her polite,gentle,she handled that very good and wasnt mad she was like no problem :)))

months had passed and i went in city for a Burger and i saw her…Guess what i fall in love after f****** long,long,long time and it was worst feeling ever,because i forgot what means to have feeling again… i was like : s*** what im gona do now…as thinking home i said to my self if i became her boyfriend,i maybe at least return the feeling for love,happines and here we go… this time i send her message but ofc not like : Hey i fall in love with you do you want to hang out… we first chated for like 2 hours… she laughed and write some good jokes that ofc werent funny to me.. so i write just “hahahahah :D” even tho its not funny… but okey.. then i asked her : hey we didnt see each other for like 7 years,we probably have to talk alot,are you for drink im lazy to write anyways…she accepted… before we meet i tried to talk with my self to laugh,to boost my confidence because long time i didnt had gf and feeling… anyways date went smooths,we talked,we joked,i fall in love,etc… i said to myself, FINALLY IM HUMAN AGAIN,FINNALY AFTER LONG TIME i feel everything,even fear,even anger,even saddnes, i was so happy i cant describe here…now from my experience with girls i was sure she liked me back,so i was like : so are we gona meet again? she said yes! good singal again boys! i was sure i had here and i was ready to change myself to the next level…after a while she canceled our date,i wasnt mad, i said ok next time,then she did again,then again,then again… and i was like : wtf is going on here…so i asked her direcly, do you have crush on me? she said : no,when i had crush, you didnt care,now when you do i dont care, i would like to stay friends…another let down… i mean i always accepted rejection like a champ but this time i dont know why its killing me inside,my feeling returned but deppresion as well with rejection… im afraid im gona lose all feelings again because i feel deppresed and cant get her out of my head…

Thats my Story PLEASE HELP

• Share on Facebook