Her and I will never be again

Not friends, not anything

Always remember that, no matter what, no matter how positive or negative it might seem, no matter what happens, no matter how badly she and other people can still cut me and draw blood, even still, never again. It’s set in stone. No matter how high people think she is above me, the walls she would need to climb are so much higher.

I could never look at her the same again because of everything. She has always been like that, she told me herself. Back then I ignored it like it meant nothing.

Now, I ignore her like she meant nothing

You can keep cutting, I’m numb to her anyway

What do you want? You want to hurt me? Congrats, you can still hurt me. It doesn’t mean I’m going to write you, or say hi if I ran into you, or erase the horrible s***, or anything. I’m dead when it comes to her. Things were so bad, I’m fine with people I encounter in life, I’m not dead inside, I feel, and people sometimes grab a hold of me and twist my mind back in the right direction sometimes, but that experience with her, if I ever encountered her anywhere I would imagine myself shutting down completely for her. Just a dead zombie, I don’t believe a single word she says, I don’t feel anything, expressionless, very agreeable, I might even accept apologies just for the sake of being agreeable and get it over with, or I would brush it off as if I’m changing a subject because I don’t believe it, but I don’t care enough to say “yeah right, I don’t believe you”. She might get a “yeah….” It wouldn’t mean anything. I would be agreeable and somber. Not even angry. I think I would see the encounter as a completely pointless venture. I don’t even want to hear it. There would be nothing invested. No anger, hate, joy, sadness, no feeling at all, just empty. Like a zombie. It would be like I’m speaking just to speak with nothing coming out. A word that comes to mind is pointless. I wouldn’t e able to take anything she says as scincere.

If that was her the other day, that look on my face, was not just a look on my face. So yeah, go ahead and keep slashing at me with knives. It does hurt sometimes. Is that what you want? I get no joy out of it and I don’t feel love and it doesn’t make me want to reach out. I just bleed a bit more and feel a bit more fucked up about the whole thing, if thats even possible.

You get used to it.

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