I need you opinion!
J, we met on tinder in August 2017, during a time where all I was looking for were random ONS, he was the stoping point. Refused to even meet me face to face until we knew each other a bit, destiny played a cruel joke. We started talking, a lot, and would not stop, and as they day of actually meeting came close, he was called back home, little did we know it would be basically for good.
Through his father’s surgery and recovery we continued to talk and grow our interest in each other. When all looked well, J came to see me in country A. We saw each other for the first time as he was getting off a plane, and there should have been cameras, it was everything every chick flick says it should be, and we where about to spend the next 4 amazing days together.
It was a fantastic 4 days, it felt right, we felt connected, and when he went back home, we could only dream about he’s return and our chance at what we knew would be our happiness.
Couple weeks later, J’s dad died, and J was never to come home. He closed his life in his country of residence, and, in my pessimistic way of thinking, started to dispare. To keep us going, J gave me his bank card, he wanted to prove he would to take care of me. He called every day, and night, and kept me company, I spent the next 5 months with my headphone in my ear talking to him, he would sit in my ear as I worked, shopped, and went about my life; I would do the same. We talked and dreamt, and he built the dream up for me. Knowing that country A would not be a good place for use, I told him of a dream, and he committed to help me achieve it, he funded my adventure with more than 10k NZD.
In the first weeks of 2018, J flew me to se him in his home country, I had a chance to see him again, but things where different this time for me, the excitement of the first time was not there, but that is to be expected, we had now basically spent the last 6 months together everyday. It was another fantastic magical time, I was treated like a princess, but something felt off.
When we got back home J broke, fell into a deep depression and told me to go away. He said he was not mentally stable and could no longer be there for me. He told me to go away and broke my heart. I asked and pleaded and begged him to let me go be with him, I knew if we where together I could fix him, but he would not hear of it. He told me to move on.
I tried, but I could not, I was too sad, how was it that after such a perfect time, he could just dump me like that? I continued to talk to him, to try and help him get better, to stay positive for him, and not let him know how hard it all was for me. But as course of the matter, I did end up trying to move on. I never went back to the state I was in before him, but I did go out again, and met O in the process, the kindest gentleman and another lost soul for me to fix.
Guess I like fixing broken men.
My time with O was full of fun and excitement, we travelled, went diving, partied and then I left to Country B. I met O during a time when he was only in town for 3 or 4 days a week, he had to travel to Country C the rest of the time. On week 2, he asked me to join him in Country C for a weekend of getting to know each other, I did without hesitation. And it was great, he has a lifestyle I had never been exposed too. 5 star hotels, and 5 star meals, and someone who know his way around this world. Smart educated and with a great job, but downside, his kid.
After that, we kind of lived together. Since he was only in town 4 days a week, it was like a continual weekend romance, and since on week two, he had left his wife, we basically lived in hotels, it was great. He met my friends, took care of me, and had endless conversations about everything.
While J got better, I stayed in touch, making sure he did not feel like if I was deserting him, but at the same time, I tried to push him away, he had hurt me and I did not like the feeling, so I was giving O all my time, I wanted it to work, I wanted to see if it could, I wanted it bad. But that voice was in the back of my head, I knew his current life was not one I fit in to, but I still wanted to make the best of our time, to completely envelope myself in him.
Just then, J decided to get better, to come back to me and tell me it was all good and we could start planning again, he was ready to take me back! WTF!!!
It was time to leave for country B, O was standing by my side, even though he knew it was probably a futile excersize. J was pleading to be let back in, but I did not want it, I asked him to move on, I never told him unequivocally that it was over, and I never told him about O, but I was not nice, and I kept telling him to move on, that he had hurt me, that I was probably never going to be ok. But I am selfish, I was not going to give up that life line in a time when I had made the decision to quit my job, and was quickly running out of funds. I know, selfish and greedy.
At first while in Country B, things with O where great, we started planning when he could come visit, and I was excited, I wanted to see him, every day talking to him was the highlight and every night he was there to make me feel good, loved, reassured. O was easy to love me, he said it, and meant it, he adored me, and I could not even say I liked him. I did like his company, I liked talking to him, but I did not have that attraction to him that makes it all seem perfect.
Then, D came into my life, a weird nerdy guy, with another set of fucked-upnes, I know how to choose them.
I met D, and the chemistry was exhilarating, his weird timid ways, made me want to pry him out of his shell and expose him just so I could have him for myself. We talked face to face for hours, we teased each other, flirted, and made it grow. For weeks we played this game, but I knew I had to wait for after O came to see me before we went any further, this just made us want each other more.
After O’s visit, D and I had each other the way we wanted it, and it was great, we really connected, it was better with him than with either J or O, it was mind-blowing. On top of that, I was not really liking my colleagues, and spending time with them was the last thing I wanted, so D provided the company, and friends so that I had a good time. He colleagues where awesome, we spent a lot of time at his work, and he helped me with my studies, and so did his colleagues, and it was all good. I liked my training, but I could not wait to leave so I could go hang out with them.
So, at this point, J is trying to hang on, trying to be allowed back in, and I keep pushing him away. Let me note that during this time, he did start dating again, he was giving up. O was also trying to stay connected, planning another trip to see me, and planning how he would help me after I was done with my training, he never faltered, but he knew I was moving away from him; And D, was falling in love with me, and I was infatuated with him.
Nice little mess I created.
And let me be clear, a lot of my continued attachment was me, using these men. J gave me his bank card, which pretty much provided all my needs that D was not covering, and O was going to be my savior after training. J was trying to get back in my life; O was trying to stay in it; and D was making his way in.
O came again to Country B, and it was brutal, I was a total b****, I did not treat him the way he deserved, but I was a coward, I didn’t want to let him go, and I could not tell him about D. Worst part, is that he would have probably been OK with it, he has a weird way of thinking, but I was too weak, I was scared, I did not want to loose the opportunity to have a savior when done with training. (face palm)
At the end, I left Country B to meet O. We went on vacation together, and during that time, I finally spoke, part, of the truth. I came clear about my feelings, and how I wanted to be with him, until I found my path, and he said that is all he thought was possible. He knew our lives did not match at the moment, and he was ready for that, but he wanted to take care of me while that happened.
So off I went with O to country C. Here I searched for my path, and I kept D and J around, its nice to feel wanted, and they each where providing a sort of sustenance for my life.
My time with O was like the home Ive always wanted but never had, beautiful apartment, waking up and having breakfast together, drinks in the evening, cooking real gourmet food, talking, organizing a house, massages every night… What else could you ask. He took care of my every need, even the ones I did not know I had. HE sang, and played piano, and it was all perfect. If I could have found a way, I would have stayed it was that good, nothing else would have been important, we would have made it work, but I didn’t think I could, and he was in no way going to maintain me for ever, we both knew I had to go.
I finally got a job, and after a really hard goodbye, I left O, and moved to Country D.
Now O was a friend, he was out for as long as his current situation persisted, basically until the kid was out of the house.
That meant, that all of the sudden I have more room for J again, and I didn’t hesitate to let him fill it, and fund me on my way.
Now, once I arrived in my new location, and started a new job, which I was so excited about, it all went to hell. I can really pinpoint what it was, but I was from day 2 basically, unable to get along with me co workers, and by day 4, I was basically out of work. Now I have not been officially fired, but it feels close, and even if I dont get fired, I dont really feel like I want to work in this place. The boss leaves 4 days after I get there, and I am left with out understanding how everything works, trying to fight for a chance, maybe I should have not fought, but how was I supposed to know. We work on commission and they are not giving me anything.
I am made to fix up a house that is where I am supposed to go live in just 4 days, and this house was a disaster, the people that lived there had not cleaned, ever, it grossed me out, but I did what I thought was necessary. And in the middle of doing all this, I manage to get on the wrong side of my co workers, and probably my boss. I am pretty sure I will be fired soon, and I need to find what the next step is.
So people, I need your opinions and advice.
Do I follow D, he will be in a minimum wage job, I know he acts like a child, and has not had an adult relationship, but can f*** like a beast.
Do I wait for J, who has the means to make us comfortable for a while, and then we can figure it out together.
Do I go back to O, stable job, kid, and a city I probably cant get a job in.
Or is it time to let them all go and fend for myself?
