I’ve been feeling lonelier than usual. My best friend is busy with a lot of things, and I respect that and I give him time and space to do whatever he needs to do, but I can’t help but think that a distance is growing, and the more I think of that, the lonelier I get.
I have somewhat friends in college but I don’t really vibe with them and understand their jokes or their subjects. I try to fake it, but sometimes it gets a bit tiring after doing it for years. Having to pretend to laugh at their jokes or to speak in their language, or better yet even “understanding” their conversations. It’s like I’m not really there and I hate having to feel that way with them, since it’s not their fault.
My family isn’t bad, not perfect either, but everyone seems to be so busy. My two oldest siblings have their own friend groups and significant others. My parents don’t really “vibe” with me but I cherish the small talks we have. I don’t have much to give in family discussions since I’m the youngest and I guess I’ve been glossed over at certain points. Enough to just make me sit there quietly, eating my food.
I used to have online friends to play games with but, it doesn’t seem to last. Either they stopped playing the games, or they just move on (I mean, good on them. I do hope they’re doing alright). I recently had a friend in the game called “Sky”, we got quite close and I enjoy their company but it got complicated when they confessed to wanting to be with me, and I just didn’t know how to react, and I recall them mentioning that they had a boyfriend, so I kindly rejected their feelings, but ever since then they haven’t been online and I feel like I did something awful, and I just wanted to have some company.
I’m scared of just being alone with my thoughts and having no one to turn to. Because I know the longer I sit with no one to lean on, the more aggressive my snap becomes. I don’t like being snappy, or to explode. It brings out the worst in me, and I really like living a life with no conflicts.
I don’t know what to do. I’ve been thinking of joining Roleplay Groups (Fantasy-style) or just joining any Discord groups in general. Meeting new people. But, I have to worry about my schedule and how it may affect things as time goes by. I’m only available around evening and I still have to cut those free times short for plates (homework/tasks). So I get worried that I won’t have time for the Group and either I get kicked out or it becomes inactive.
I’m lonely. And I feel as though I pushed myself to a corner.
