I’ve been pretty bored today, and with nothing else to do than stay at home I ended up thinking & reflecting more on my actions, and what may have led up to this even happening in the first place. The first bad incident revolving around an animal which I can remember, was when I was around 6. Me and a friend were searching for mice & rats because we thought that, if we killed some of them perhaps the cat he owned would wanna eat it or something like that. So we did exactly that and killed one or two by dropping this large metal pipe on them continuously. I believe perhaps this might have been what caused the spark, as I remember feeling bad yet the sense of power over those small animals was great. From then on I’d go out myself to search for animals, I’d go for rodents and would usually just crush them with heavy objects or stomp with my foot. We had a dog at the time and I would continuously suffocate it under a pillow, before giving it a short break and excessively apologising to it, before repeating the cycle. I guess I felt like my life was out of my control, with all sorts of s***** stuff happening. I carried on chasing small animals down since then, before I knew it I’d grown almost dependent on it as some sort of stress relief. There was also some form of fascination with it, observing their reactions & behaviour. As time went by I would grow to really dislike most animals, their behaviour especially. Sometimes it’d be how they seemed weak & reliant on some sort of owner, others were straight up dumb, the way certain ones looked and the disgusting texture of their fur. I’m not sure why, but simply the different textures of most animals would annoy the hell out of me, still does actually. I find it weird how I didn’t leave this behaviour behind long ago, it seems so childish. Yet there’s a big part of me that doesn’t want to stop, it’s exiting, if that makes sense. I just like having power over them I guess. Update on the dog too, it’s doing fine. Nothing really gets a reaction out of it so I’m just leaving it be, that’s it for now. Dunno why I felt the need to share this, it just kept me up all night and now it’s 06:12, just wanted to type it down. Have a good days guys.