I’m back here sooner than I expected, but it’s not because of you. Well, not entirely. A song plays in the background as I write this, with a dull sense of bitter acceptance hanging heavy in my heart. I’m not doing great. That hurts to say, but I think it’s the truth. I’m not feeling the way I want to.

I think thinks started when you left, but I never really reset after that. You weren’t happy. It s****. I miss the s, I miss you. I’m not sure I could hide when I was reminded of you. Was it jealously? Was it sadness? Was it longing? I’m not sure, but I miss you.

On the other hand, I’m trying new things. I hope you would be proud of me. I’m trying b. I know I’m not very confident in myself or how I present myself, but I’m trying to push myself. I’m still so scared, but I’m gently testing my boundaries. Thank you for starting my journey.

Things s*** at the moment. I’m always tired, I always hurt, and I can’t focus. Add in you to the equation and I’m a mess. I’m trying to move forwards, but it’s hurting my self esteem. I can only take so many rejections. So many times being ignored. I know I’m not cool or exciting, and I’m not very attractive. Maybe that’s why I miss you so much some days, because I always felt comfortable with you. Now I’m not sure how I ever had you.

I’ve embarrassed myself too. Perfection drifted in front of me, and I thought I would step out my comfort zone and shoot my shot. What a mistake. I feel so stupid. It’s done nothing for my self esteem and I want to curl up and never be seen again.

How can I move forward if I can’t hu or even hold a good one. I feel so inadequate. I’m hoping this year will bulldoze past that and I’ll settle into a routine of happiness. This heat isn’t helping tonight.

How do I feel at the moment? Hard to tell… You still have a grip over me but I think I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I’m tripping as I walk but I think I’m definitely walking now. I know what I want. You tick most of the boxes, but I know when I meet someone new, that’ll pass.

I miss you, and I’ll always love you. Maybe you despise me. Maybe you miss me. Maybe you never think about me. Maybe you always do. Whatever the case, you’ll always have a place in my life and my heart.

This is my chapter now I guess. I need to find the confidence to carve it. And I’m going to try from now. Thank you. I miss you. But it’s time for me to push onwards. Goodbye x