For years I’ve been a rational guy, perhaps because of my upbringing, perhaps because I never had what I truly wanted. Yet now I find myself sat upon a knife edge. At times I’m blissfully unaware, and life continues as normal. Then out of the blue I’m knocked, only to feel a volatility previously unknown.

I thought at first that I was over him, and then realised that I wasn’t. As ever I can’t make heads or tails of the situation. He messages me in the morning and we have lovely conversations all day. By evening I can’t tell what he’s thinking. Am I annoying him? Am I coming across too much?

We start the day with dog photos and it feels like we’re close. As the sun sets, he feels colder, and far removed. Somehow two letters overpower me. In a whole sentence, “ie” is the unforeseen trip hazard that knocks me six. If he’d simply said he thought it was best he went home, or apologised, I would have realised I was silly. Was this a deliberate, calculated move? Or does he not care at all? Does he struggle to write the message? Or was the gap in fact a discussion with someone else about how sad I am? It may have simply been the fatigue, yet here I am, floored by two letters. Those two letters convey a sense of bitterness, of aggression. Writing “I don’t want to see you” or “leave me alone” would have had much the same effect.