A quarter hour ago, I felt insanely h****.

Idk why, but I suddenly began to imagine having a d***, then proceeded to look for s*** fanfic on a site. it has this s** scene and i’m absolutely turned on. I did realize I was just being very nervous, because at that moment, I was working on a thing that I hadn’t yet to solve. Plus, there was this time constraint too that made me even more anxious that I couldn’t finish this. I remember this as being my really bad habit. In the past, I needed to j******* before studying or whatnot. It was because I was merely anxious and stressed about the work I was about to do.

I controlled myself and didn’t jerkoff. But the anxious thoughts kept on spiraling down. I identify myself as a transmale (pre-transition), and suddenly remembered that I often felt ‘attracted’ towards male body. I got scared because I’m definitely straight. I love my girlfriend so much and most of the times, I can only imagine making her pregnant(just a fantasy, child support is terrifying). I tried browsing some random s*** girls pics, and felt nothing. I then tried to browse some six pack guys with godly physique, and yeah I did feel things (not exactly h****).

I then started questioning myself again, trying to find answers. I even forced myself to imagine having a s***** encounter with a guy. But just a nanosecond thought of that felt repulsive. I imagined myself as a hot six pack guy, and suddenly there’s another guy trying to ram me? Oh no. I stopped, took a deep breath.

I tried remembering the thoughts I had about my s***** encounter with my girlfriend. The first picture came into my mind was me, having this hot cis-male body, with a big d*** and successfully making my girlfriend moan and scream. I mean, why didn’t my girlfriend’s hot body came first? Am I just a narcissist? Am I an autosexual?

Well, I then remembered again that I love how my girlfriend validates how ‘manly’ I am. How she likes my short hair, my hairy legs, and my wide shoulders. I then came into a conclusion that I’m just having a gender dysphoria moment. I desperately want to look like a man, not just any man, but a really muscular man. It made me feel loved and capable towards my girlfriend. I think I’m still just insecure. I messed up with her badly in the past, and is still afraid that I’m still not enough. I know that she loves me so dearly and deeply, but I felt that I’m not enough yet.

Conclusion: I’m anxious about my work, then continuing to my gender dysphoria, and feeling insecure that my girlfriend won’t love and accept me.