i honestly dont know what im feeling because I constantly want to kill myself but its not overwhelming, it just feels like if I was given the option, I would take it in a heartbeat. i cut myself, but I don’t cry. I laugh and think, is it really as bad as people say it is if it brings me joy?? Am I supposed to be sad? i don’t know how to feel about anything. i feel as if I spend my days on autopilot and have a little moment of clarity when I see blood and feel the sting. i get home, turn the shower to the hottest setting, and just keep going until the water starts to run cold. i don’t know what to do with myself. I’m unmotivated because why try in school if I’m going to die before my 18th birthday? why do the things I used to enjoy if they don’t bring me joy anymore?? sometimes i wish i was normal, but mostly i wish i was dead. the voices in my head keep me company and i know i should want to get better and want to change but i just don’t. I’m okay with dealing with hallucinations and thoughts and voices and mood swings and i know i shouldn’t be. i should be wanting more for myself, but i just cant.
-c