C,

I think I’ve put a finger on what’s been bothering me… and it’s the s**. When we met, I was paying you. It was simple. I messaged, I had the money and we fucked. But you wanted out of that and the more time I spent with you, the more I began to love the real woman. Part of what interested in me in you, if I’m honest, was saying in your past relationships men told you that you wanted s** too much, and you feel you have to hunt d*** down. What I hoped for was that you’d always hunt me down. That hasn’t happened. We still f*** and I don’t even pay you for it, but I guess I want more. I want you to want me the way I want you. I want to see that girl who can’t get enough d***. And it is hard not to believe you want it from other guys just not me. I don’t know that for sure. I told you I don’t want you to be monogamous because I can’t be monogamous to you. I’m already in a marriage where I’m not having s**. And every time I get my hopes up that we can have some time to f*** and it doesn’t happen, I want to go seek out another provider. I’ve stopped myself, because I probably should be helping you out if I say I love you, rather than spend that money getting into some p**** other than yours. I’ve only seen two providers since we’ve been together and each time I really would rather have been with you.

I get it, women are tired of being seen as only good for s**. I know there’s no end of men in your life who are only interested in f****** you and absolutely nothing else. I heard you when you said you hoped I’d be someone who accepted all of you for who you are, not accept you if you changed to be what I wanted. I’m sure that’s why you do hold on to me — because out of everyone I’m the one loves all of you, not just parts of you. In all my confusion, deep down, C, I know you hold on to me.

There’s been a provider hitting me up for days now. I know she only wants the money. I only want her p**** to c** in. She’s irritating af and she probably has an STD, so I’ve kept avoiding her. But I get so tempted. Why should I not be getting fucked when you — and basically all women — can get fucked any time they choose. I mean, I can too — I have two women I could f*** for free when I want but I’m not attracted to them. They’re too big.

I’m not telling any of this to your face because it’s not your issue. I had this way before I fell for you. The girl of my dreams, the woman I loved more than anything in the world — I cheated on her the moment we were too far away to maintain s** regularly. I’m tired of being ashamed of that. I’m tired of the narrative that says men should stop caring so much about s**. C, I said this to you in person, being with you isn’t just about sticking a d*** in a hole. My whole life feels better after we’ve been together. God, that night I made you cream so much — I’ll never forget that. I’ve only seen that s*** in videos. But it was you that made that event special, not just that you have a p****.

I’m tired of seeing posts of these hyper aggressive women, like you said you were, and not having that for myself. Hell, there’s an i***** forum on Reddit where women admit lusting and seducing their own family members. And yet I can’t seem to find one woman who is that into me s*******? I have to wonder what is wrong with me. Why is it only the women who are just unattractive to me are hypersexual towards? I hate that and I don’t know what to do to reverse it.

That’s what I’ve been doubting. I don’t doubt that you care or even love — to the degree you’re capable of. But I want more than that, C. I want to feel wanted by you.