So it’s all come back round to breaking apart again
Breaking apart like I’m made up of glass again
Making it up behind my back again
Holding my breath for the fear of sleep again
Holding it up behind my head again
Cut in deep to the heart of the bone again
Round and round and round
And it’s coming apart again
Over and over and over

Now that I know that I’m breaking to pieces
I’ll pull out my heart
And I’ll feed it to anyone
Crying for sympathy
Crocodiles cry for the love of the crowd
And the three cheers from everyone
Dropping through sky
Through the glass of the roof
Through the roof of your mouth
Through the mouth of your eye
Through the eye of the needle
It’s easier for me to get closer to heaven
Than ever feel whole again

I never said I would stay to the end
I knew I would leave you with babies and everything
Screaming like this in the hole of sincerity
Screaming me over and over and over
I leave you with photographs
Pictures of trickery
Stains on the carpet and
Stains on the memory
Songs about happiness murmured in dreams
When we both of us knew
How the end always is

How the end always is…

“Disintegration”, The Cure

Throughout my life, when I was majorly in love with someone there was the “in love” song and the “heartbreak” song. Each, I’d listen to on endless repeat loops depending on how I was feeling. Disintegration was one of them. Funny enough, I don’t remember which specific girl sent me into the loop of listening to that song but every word of those last verses seem to fit, especially, “How the end always is”. Even years after, it was hard to listen to certain heartbreak songs because it reminded me of being in love with someone who didn’t love me back.

I have no heartbreak song with you, C. There’s no song that I listen to constantly grieving the fact that I love you but can’t have you. I have to remind myself you haven’t shut me down or turned me away. If anything, you were the one who made the first moves. I don’t see you as much as I want and we don’t have s** as much as I want — those are what’s bothering me the most. But I’m not pining for someone who isn’t entirely uninterested. And that’s a big difference.

I’m not sure I’m as much a priority to you as you are to me but I’m dwelling on that less and less.

I don’t have an in love song with you either. The only song I’ve had on repeat a bit that makes me think of you is “Worry No More” by Amos Lee.

Writing this has been good for me and I hope it’s helping whoever has been reading too.

I love you, C.