Caitlin,

I love you, though I’m not even sure what that means. For me it usually means being afraid that you don’t feel the same. I assume you don’t but I’ve never asked. I always assume the person who feels the most expresses the most — tries harder — does the pursuing. Maybe that’s not love at all.

I’m trying to learn to be okay being the person who feels — differently. I think I’m coming to understand people feel and express differently. That doesn’t make one more powerful than the other. I had always believed it to be true that the one who felt less had all the power.

I’m trying to stay balanced because I enjoy my time with you. I kissed you! I have wanted to do that for so long and I just went for it. You didn’t turn me away. I told you I wanted to make you my girl and you didn’t shut it down. We may not feel exactly the same way for each other but I still have you in my life. And I kissed you!

I’m going to try not to overanalyze and overthink. I’m going to try not to examine all of your words and actions, looking for proof that you do/don’t care. It’s a trap. It’s mentally exhausting. You said you won’t dip on me. You said you’re no one I should be afraid of. You laid your head on me. All these are good things. It’s my head and my past getting in the way.

I won’t say “I love you” to you yet because I want it to mean that I’m at peace and accept that we may feel differently about each other. I may be the more intense one with my feelings. It doesn’t mean one has more power than the other.

But I do love you. I hope to kiss you again soon … and more often.