so,, i’m gonna be talking about the boy i like because its 11.55pm where i am and i have finals next week but i keep thinking about him…

lets start with what he looks like. he’s kind of tall for our age (actually 1.8m is pretty tall in general), and honestly? he has this look about him that kind of always looks like he’s just woken up haha (something about the eyes? maybe the hair) he has this bowl cut kind of hairstyle (yes, he’s asian – i’m asian too, for the record) objectively speaking he’s pretty average looking, but the more i look at him the more i find myself falling. he’s so adorable when he smiles or puts on little expressions and the way he acts when no one’s watching him just makes me smile. when he’s working on a problem or just thinking really hard, he has a habit of puffing his cheeks just a little and pressing his lips together. sometimes he grins super wide and it makes my heart melt a little how happy he looks. and sometimes he just randomly flails his arms about when he’s bored, or when he’s frustrated at something he tends to shake his head really hard, then proceed to realise that his hair got messed up and try to fix it in the camera (during zoom lessons) my country has mostly resumed physical school now and the only times i get to see what he actually looks like is when our common classes happen to be online. and every time that happens i can never concentrate fully because im always watching him (and taking the occasional screenshot cough)

how did i start liking him? well, we met through a school event. honestly, my first impression of him was, “damn, this guy is TALL.” and at that moment when i first talked to him, i never knew that i would like him.

and then as i got to know him through that week long event, he just… started to stand out to me. he’s really polite to teachers and he goes out of his way to hold the door open for the girls (chivalrous huh) he’s a social butterfly and he’s really good at connecting with people and keeping a conversation going. not to mention, he’s also really really smart. his strong suit is language studies, and he’s also really well informed in politics, and honestly he just wows me so much. usually, i’d like to regard myself as fairly proficient too, but he takes it to a whole new level. its honestly kind of rare for me to admire someone because most of the time i feel that i can do just as well, if not better (not trying to be a narcissist here haha sorry my point is just that i usually perform really well in my strengths) but this guy? i ACTUALLY admire him. not just in a romantic way, but he also makes me more competitive in the sense that i want to improve myself so i can see if i could ever stand on the pedestal that i place him on now. he’s also a high-achiever and a go-getter (pretty sure you could tell already) which are traits that i really value in a person, but at the same time he’s always really humble and when things go wrong he’s always the first one to step up and take responsibility but shies away from taking credit even when its due. he completed a whole research project meant for a team of students on his own, got picked as the best out of our cohort and shocked the professor we were presenting to, who literally couldnt – and didnt – believe that he did it on his own. (which was really unfair to him, but i wont go into that) [if he ever sees this confession,, he’s going to know i’m talking about him and also who i am so i PRAY he never sees this] i could go on forever, but i really admire him so much while also having this super soft spot for him.

and my best friend,, kind of doesnt like him much for unknown reasons… she already likes someone else so its definitely not a conflict of interest problem and also she isnt the kind to do that,, but honestly sometimes she keeps putting him down (i admit, he does have some flaws eg. he tends to be really brash and straightforward when he speaks sometimes, which makes him come across as insensitive and cocky when he really isnt) and … it always makes me feel kinda bad bc i really do like him, a lot. but i know he definitely isnt a jerk, he just has the unfortunate habit of SOUNDING like one sometimes. on top of everything i listed just now, he’s also really kind and empathetic but you only kind of see it if you pay attention to the things he says. there was this one time he was talking about someone he felt bad for, and i could feel his emotion through the text. this was someone he wasn’t directed related to, just someone in a bad situation who he heard about in passing… but how do i describe it? just trust me when i say you can feel his emotion through the screen. he’s also always ready to help with homework and he’s always tanking the work during group presentations with,, little complaint haha. also, i forgot to mention it just now, but he has a really nice voice. its like deep but it has a very attractive, almost scratchy-metallic? kind of quality to it. (not like corpse haha) it honestly sounds a bit like music. and his singing??? angels would weep. and also the confidence and charisma he exudes when he’s on a stage or presenting?? he has the stage presence i can only DREAM of having.

unfortunately, we’ve barely spoken after the event. yes, i’ve tried to spark a couple convos, but i gave up when it started to feel forced and one sided. (he’s only good at keeping conversations going when he actually wants to …) i get it, maybe hes busy, and we were never really that close anyway. i feel like he’s slowly forgotten that i exist, and i’ve probably faded into the sea of schoolmates and temporary friends that he’s already forgotten about. i dont really think i stand a chance either? i dont think im his “type” based on his ex (shes my classmate now and shes honestly a really sweet person – and in the words of my best friend, “if you can’t make it with [insert name of ex], you can’t make it with anyone.” which, i don’t agree with bc i think a breakup probably involves fault on both ends, and as much as she’s an angel i really dont think its right to put all the blame on him just because he says its his fault. like i said just now, its part of his personality to assume blame and responsibility when it isnt all his fault – and while he probably did some things wrong, it definitely wasnt all his fault), and he has a bunch of way more compatible female friends so… as much as i like him, its probably not that realistic. also, he probably thinks of me as a pretty pessimistic and anxious person; and from what i know, he ,, prefers optimistic, happy people?

counting today, (its now past 12), ive liked him for 71 days now. thats,, almost a quarter of a year? i cant put it into words how much i wish i could have a chance with him. i guess there’s a pretty good chance we’ll be in the same class next year? so… here’s hoping.

and hey, if the boy this is directed at ever sees this, here’s a message for you: 你不知道，其实我也在为你做出最浪漫的事。但是你毫不知情，于是无法被感动。暗恋本就是一场最豪华的赌博。我以青春为赌注，赌我不会脚下落空。如果是你，我就愿意放任一次。

其实，脚下落空又如何? 大不了拍掉身上的灰尘，重新爬起来就是了。