i wish everyone wanted to stay in my life. i really do mean it when i say everyone leaves. i’m always left here and obviously it’s me, i’m the problem if i’m never the one walking away. what’s wrong with me. why does no one care as much as i do or feel how i do. why do these things happen to me. why does nobody ever wanna understand me or stay. not a friend not a person i’ve been with i’m never worth it to them. i’m always alone even when i’m not. everyday it gets worse and worse and i’m expected to take it and if not i’m selfish for wanting to be happy with an easier way out. the things going on in my life hurts right now. the few times i’m happy i cherish those good times with my whole body because once they’re gone i’m back to sitting here with my thoughts and my feelings overwhelming me. thinking how easy it is to just go. the amount of times i’ve been ready to do things to myself and my first thought was what about you or a family member because that’s all i had. i don’t wanna start school i don’t wanna go on with a future i don’t wanna do something i’m being forced to do. i have to leave a year earlier from a high school experience because i have nobody and it makes me feel like s***. because i’d have nobody to sit in a cafeteria with. no one to ask for homework answers. no one to laugh with or make plans with someone after school. everyone has a group everyone has their people. the idea of school the building looking at it stresses me. i get sad i feel like i can’t do it. the school doesn’t care about mental health either. nobody cares nobody understands nobody wants to be here for a draining person with a bunch of problems. a bad person who never seems to get it together but does her best, who has a big heart but never knows how to use it correctly without hurting others, who used to be the happiest ever, not a bad day in sight full of laughter full of all the people and friends i crave now. i used to be happy a few months ago until i obviously ruined that as well but i kept trying for it. but no matter what i said or did it wasn’t enough. i’ve been through so much since i was little. i used to be touched on by older cousins which nobody ever knows about, i grew up till 7th grade where all of my depression started and i don’t even know why. i went through relationships that broke me and each time i got back up i broke again, my dad always drinking and only caring about how i feel when he has alcohol in his system, losing the one person who i’ve ever felt so strongly about, hurting because some guy had to use me when i’m at my weakest point in life, being told i only do things when it revolves around me and i only care about myself but the truth is i couldn’t care less about myself. i don’t care what happens to me anymore because it is an endless cycle of pain. people don’t wanna be here then fine, i only care about myself okay, u wanna yell at me and call me names go ahead, i gotta go skip a year of high school and everything involved in junior and senior year then okay, u wanna take advantage of me then do it. i cant take it anymore i csnt take being here. a few months ago i started writing notes to everyone but the only reason i stopped is because i couldn’t even recognize my own feelings, i was so tired i didn’t have it in me to keep writing. it felt like essays to forced people when i didn’t wanna feel that way. i haven’t talked about anything in so long this is the most i’ve written in a long time about myself and probably the last. if i’m being honest i love my dogs and they always keep me here and it may sound stupid but i’ve never been in an ounce of pain because of them. they love me and cuddle with me and give me kisses. they follow me around the house and sit at the door when they wanna use the bathroom. and if i wasn’t here i always picture them laying in my bed alone without me there. i started smoking a lot before to keep from feeling sad but everytime i do one thought fills my head, it’s you, and the whole high is over and i’m there again in pain. s*** is so temporary i’m done trying with everything. i do my best for everyone not even myself and nobody seems to see that. it’s a waste. 15 years in my life and this is how it is because i can’t just be happy. when i’m okay something goes wrong and i hate the on and off cycles. for a day can everything be okay, can i feel good, can people stay in my life, can i have reliable family members, can i love someone so much i love myself as well again. my effort goes unnoticed by everyone in my life. my effort to be here, to do school, to get up in the morning, my effort to be better for someone. i wanted to be recognized i wanted to be understood and heard, i wanted to be worth it to people, i wanted to care about how much i eat, i wanted to care about being pretty still, i wanted to care about it all but i cant force it anymore. i’m just here. just a day ago i felt good i felt everything’s gonna work out. i’m gonna work on it i’m gonna do good in life, work on myself for the person i want i’m gonna graduate a year early and look at it as an accomplishment but i’m just in pain and can’t think straight. i’m at my cousins house and i’m usually happy here but not now. everything’s gone. i’m all alone, but i hope everyone else is happy, i hope everyone else wakes up early and is excited about what they’re gonna do today. excited to go hangout with friends or play their favorite song, to do their everyday routine and say goodmorning and goodnight to their family, their friends, their s/o. i hope everyone gets where they want to be, i hope everyone loves themself so much. there are a few things i want in life that i’ll always want and i’ll always want to receive but how. it’s impossible. i’m on a dumbass website talking to nobody about how i feel or what i’ve gone through, the things that’s kept me here, the person i want, and the things i want and i don’t wanna do that. i hate letting things out because it’s always too much. i probably won’t be back i’m just going through it and wish i had you but life always has other plans in store for me. just another day in a bigger amount of pain. i’m actually fine tho i am okay