• 1 week ago

Does everyone in your life need to have an immediate use or purpose ? There are so many times I wish I could have just called you to say hello or catch up and I felt like I couldn’t. Good news or bad, you’re still the first person I want to tell. Don’t you have anyone in your life you talk to, just to talk to that isn’t of any particular use ? What makes me so different thats not possible unless you’re in dire straits? I don’t even know what my problem is here….people come and go all the time in my life and I don’t even notice or give a shit. But most of the time it also means I feel completely apathetic and dead inside. I don’t know how the hell this happened? How could I miss or want to talk to someone so much who doesn’t feel the same? Its disturbing. Like i’d forgive her for anything, but she forgives me for nothing. I wish I never became so attached, yet it was so nice to actually feel something. To feel alive and connected to another human being. Is it not abnormal to want that , at least with someone? I am human. Will anyone ever love or care back?
Its like the more someone rejects me the harder I have to try to prove my worth. A horrible, sad pattern that began with my parents, and has continued well into adulthood. Sigh. Who am I kidding, the whole friendship I had with this person was like an episode of “lets make a deal,” and I knew it too. I just tried so hard and wanted her friendship so badly. But its like it was never enough for her to want to stick around. Towards the end I literally felt like I had a rent -a-friend on a day to day basis, trying to comply with the daily requests. It was overwhelming. I wasn’t even treated like a human being, even when I did give what I could. I feel like you still would have split once you got your tax refund, and honestly its stuff like that that gave me pause. There are so many instances of when I have gone out of my way, out of my own choice yeah no one held a gun to my head ….and you left anyway. So whether I helped or didn’t the outcome would have been the same.
This time around you didn’t even try to hide thats the only thing you were around for; everyday it was like “gimmie, gimmie, gimmie” while putting me down and reminding me you were not my therapist nor cared in any way. It felt horrible. I mean, shit the least you can do if you’re asking something of someone is pretend to have interest until you get what you need. You couldn’t even do that. Its like I was garbage, just an atm without any kind of feelings or needs of my own 🙁

Simply Confess