I’m not exactly religious, but why do I still fear doing something wrong? Why do I feel guilty? Should I keep my faith, although I’ve done things that have angered God? I’ve already hurt myself. I’ve already lost my virginity when I should’ve kept it. I feel as if I shouldn’t be forgiven. I’m not worthy of any forgiveness. I think so, anyway. I constantly think I deserve the s*** I get on a daily basis. I think ‘yeah, I’ve done something wrong, this must be the karma coming back to bite me in the a**’, and I continue on with my life.
At night, when the light’s out, I grab my scissors and slash my forearms. I’m not brave enough to use an actual razor. I don’t think we even have razors in the house. I could always grab the kitchen knife, but I guess someone would suspect something’s up if there’s blood stains on it all of a sudden. Using scissors don’t leave much marks, I’ve noticed. It’s as if a cat scratched my arms, and that’s not a really good cover story since we’re not allowed to have pets in our flat. The cuts last about a week or two, if it isn’t continued on a regular basis.
It was a few weeks ago, when I actually had the balls to finally grab something sharp and carve something into my skin. Before this, I would’ve just used a rubber band, or used my nails to scratch myself. I didn’t feel any guilt, I didn’t think I was doing anything wrong, religion-wise. It was a first. It felt so f****** good. My hand felt so cold, the blood was draining and flowed towards my cuts instead. I kept cutting myself every night, and I grew progressively braver every night. And I cut even more, even deeper. And no one would see.
And if someone did, they didn’t give two shits about it.
And I guess that’s what I deserve.
