I know it’s hard for others to understand but if I get a B my life will be over. My family does not accept anything less than excellent. If I don’t keep my 4.0, I am nothing.

That’s why I’m scared. This class, the last class I ever have to take, is overwhelming me. I don’t even understand what the assignments want me to do.

Being “well read and book smart” is all I have. I’m average looking, far too shy, and suffer from various medical problems. I can’t compete with my colleagues unless I have perfect grades. I couldn’t handle the disappointment in my parents’ eyes if I failed them. I’d be the “other daughter” in their eyes, just like I was when I was a child.

I’m a wreck. A complete wreck. No one can give my any advice past “people just don’t get an A in that class.” But I need an A.

I can’t do this. I’m exhausted. I just want to feel like I belong somewhere but every success feels like a lie. I’m not smart. I’m an idiot. An anxious idiot, nonetheless.

I’m nearly starving myself because I don’t even care enough about my life to bother. I’m supposed to have surgery but I keep putting it off. I keep telling myself I’ll do better if I preserve my 4.0.

But life is always going to be like this, isn’t it? Always pretending I’m someone who actually has value? Is happiness even real or another unrealistic goal I’ve been told to pursue?

Where do the defective things go? Are they happy there?